tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69200535306799918572011-09-21T13:16:38.900-07:00to the one in four | by mark ryan johnson a blog discussing homosexuality and the church of jesus christ of latter-day saintsMark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.comBlogger751100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-48176666333691189542010-12-03T03:06:00.000-08:002010-12-03T03:07:23.348-08:00

Hello New York, Goodbye Giving Up

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-25291558137206663352010-11-20T17:33:00.000-08:002010-11-20T17:39:02.718-08:00

“I never felt further away from who I really am, I’m ready to go out in the world and be who I’m supposed to be, but I am so conflicted because the church and everything in that world is telling me that who I am is wrong, just wrong. And I know I’m a good person, I know that I treat people with kindness and that I try to make the world a better place. How can who I am be wrong? And in that moment

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-50733945509079183302010-10-31T15:22:00.000-07:002010-10-31T20:11:04.909-07:00

God, make me good.I want to be valiant, one of the faithful. I want to devote my life to service. To be like Jesus, willing to give not just anything but everything. I want a life filled with sacrifice, and hope, and faith, and service, and joy, and charity. I want to keep every covenant and promise I've made with you. I want the spiritual gifts you promise throughout the scriptures. I want the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-31904901317473235982010-09-12T20:14:00.000-07:002010-09-12T21:40:39.003-07:00

"But you see, just because we've been ... dealt a certain hand ... it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above -- to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted." - Edward Cullen, TwilightGrowing up I never understood why there wasn't more said in the scriptures on homosexuality. I believe it is something of an experience that we all share finding we are not alone in the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-19848193278351685322010-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:002010-09-07T21:28:23.252-07:00

"Man imposes his own limitations, don't set any" - Anthony BaileyUp until this year, I'd never run farther than a couple of miles -- now that I've gone through a couple pair of shoes and trained everywhere from Nome to Phoenix I'm excited to take on my first marathon.More than that, I am excited to be running the 2010 New York Marathon in support of such a worthy cause. The funds I help to raise

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-9983934959230281502010-06-27T20:35:00.000-07:002010-06-27T21:32:25.446-07:00

"And they thirsted not [though] he led them through the deserts"- Isaiah 48:21Two and a half years ago I started this blog with a post about the Sweetwater River rescue. I felt like I was standing at a place where I could travel no further. I wrote then: "... I'm stuck. I don't have the energy, the confidence, the hope that I once had. I don't know how to overcome this battle." Two and half

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-41450605661311909922010-05-13T19:01:00.000-07:002010-05-13T19:04:20.503-07:00

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-84744763419771821702010-05-10T22:56:00.000-07:002010-05-10T23:04:17.700-07:00

I've probably started about twenty blog postings. I usually don't get much further than one or two paragraphs before I start all over. I'm worried that I might be losing the drive to write and I hope that this blog doesn't fall by the wayside of sport's equipment, games, books and other toys that were only able to hold my attention for brief moments.A while back there was a trend started on

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-50967959471577199342010-03-14T21:15:00.000-07:002010-03-14T23:59:49.536-07:00

Would it not be better to be dead than to have this horrible fear that Aslan has come and is not like the Aslan we have believed in and longed for? It is as if the sun rose one day and were a black sun. - King Tirian, The Last Battle Few things are as painful as the discovery that God is not who we had once believed Him to be. Somewhere along the way we find that whatever It was that helped us

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-2548718324424046222010-02-28T23:52:00.000-08:002010-03-01T00:07:30.680-08:00

"No matter where we are at now, or where we are going, or where we have been, our Heavenly Father is there and He loves us."I wish you could have been there to hear that. I believe that, I wish you could believe it, too.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-65895093504090841602010-02-13T03:19:00.000-08:002010-02-13T03:20:36.551-08:00

... four or five blogs I worked on while in Nome. I don't mean to neglect this, I just didn't have a real internet connection.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-81822643166646548002010-01-18T06:14:00.000-08:002010-01-18T06:19:46.566-08:00

You forgot to take this one. Take it. I have nothing left.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-19500415232337437402010-01-02T17:28:00.000-08:002010-01-02T17:30:40.624-08:00

My first attempt at video blogging. 24 "uhms" in 2 minutes and 40 seconds. That's one every ten seconds--this is why I usually stick to writing.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03018431808523786243noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-12685218568205789382009-11-28T20:39:00.000-08:002009-11-28T20:41:16.753-08:00

I would love to wake up with our arms tangled together every morning. To feel his stubble graze across my cheek as he kissed me awake. To have the first hoarse words out of my mouth each morning be ‘I love you.’ To pause for just a few moments and stare into his eyes and admire his face in the daylight. To get up together. To come out of the shower and feel his arms wrap a towel around me

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-53515450039586826662009-11-28T03:35:00.000-08:002009-11-28T03:41:44.762-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDpYrR2-Ghk "Whatever it was we shared these relationships are the foundation of many of the most precious and rewarding moments of my life."  - Joseph B. Wirthlin

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-27139999175825501812009-11-24T23:41:00.000-08:002009-11-24T23:42:42.102-08:00

The Widow's Mite [Mark 12:38-13:2; Luke 20:46-21:6] The story of the widow’s mite has always inspired me. I, too, am one completely broken with so little to offer. The scribes around her, with their riches, took no notice and even if they had, would not have understood or appreciated the sacrifice she gave there--of what it meant to lay her whole life on the altar. Two mites is a small

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-38753580310308084762009-11-02T22:49:00.001-08:002009-11-25T20:41:38.315-08:00

Please pray for me.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-46545086116999835182009-10-26T11:35:00.000-07:002009-11-25T20:46:47.848-08:00

[From a talk I gave in sacrament meeting October 25th, 2009; based on Elder Zeballos' October 2009 Conference Address: "Attempting the Impossible"] In this life, each one of us is asked to attempt the impossible: to walk the lonely road to salvation as Christ did and to become perfect as He is. I look at that road, the ‘strait and narrow’ path ahead of me, and I certainly don’t see the tree

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-70616712127113684172009-10-01T08:52:00.000-07:002009-10-01T11:18:14.114-07:00

“A gift is pure when it is given from the heart to the right person at the right time and at the right place, and when we expect nothing in return.” - Bhagavad GitaLiving a life daily at Moriah's altar is a heart-wrenching experience. Ironically, for such a sacred venue it doesn't feel sanctified at all. I stand without hope, at a lonely, painful and exposed place that couldn't feel further

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-5629475923120053182009-08-28T23:44:00.000-07:002009-08-29T00:47:41.377-07:00

I've neglected my blog as of late, not because I've run out of things to say--but more out of the abundance of things that have been on my mind:I have no one else to tell this to, so I'm relegated to writing it on a blog: I fell in love with a boy. I said it to him, he said it to me. It felt perfect, and it got even better. And at the moment I was thanking God for him, the day I realized he

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-42389561464410308682009-08-02T17:10:00.000-07:002009-08-02T18:13:27.908-07:00

"The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable." - Mother TeresaI'm starting to come to terms with the idea that I will likely spend the greater portion of the remainder of my life alone. Now for a member of a Church who's doctrine teaches that celibacy is the only viable option for someone 'dealing with same-gender attraction' maybe I should've come to this conclusion a lot sooner.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-39914660969548762442009-07-19T12:41:00.000-07:002009-07-19T12:44:02.360-07:00

... It is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-83363507437884807902009-06-30T20:45:00.000-07:002009-06-30T21:20:39.599-07:00

Maybe there are times God commands his people to do more than they can do, and in giving their all, even in failure, God accepts their sacrifice.Maybe God understands when we are hungry, and are tempted to steal.Maybe God can accept a blemished offering.Maybe it isn't blasphemous to not limit (but instead to trust in) God's mercy, His love and His understanding.Maybe if I showed up with him at

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-18518599054861895112009-06-16T11:42:00.000-07:002009-06-16T12:19:11.767-07:00

This is exactly how I feel about my 'first', Kurt (where it says 'Alma', read Kurt):"The first woman may have been Eve, but the first girl will always be Alma," she'd say... "Maybe the first time you saw her you were ten. She was standing in the sun scratching her legs. Or tracing letters in the dirt with a stick. Her hair was being pulled. Or she was pulling someone's hair. And a part of

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-81818898813433700172009-05-10T16:21:00.000-07:002009-05-10T17:20:07.696-07:00

The walk up Moriah is a lot longer than I expected. I'm beginning to think that Abraham started the path completely unsure of himself and his God. I don't think he knew how it would all end, and I'm pretty sure he felt like there was no way he wasn't going to fail. He took Isaac and started the journey not because he knew it was right, but because he felt like there was no other option.I

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-81227259131460641662009-05-10T15:49:00.000-07:002009-05-10T16:20:49.670-07:00

What would I give to live where you are?What would I pay to stay here beside you?What would I do to see you smiling at me?- The Little Mermaid

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-29431154086258242112009-05-04T21:57:00.001-07:002009-05-04T21:58:52.921-07:00

I never realized until this weekend how close I actually am to the edge.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-70329936199545818042009-04-23T21:17:00.000-07:002009-04-23T21:29:58.231-07:00

My friends say I should get over him, but I just can't. The slutty summer. The porn. I'll never love anyone like I loved you, Mr. Kempton. Thanks for the beach. I'll never forget what it felt like to fall asleep in your arms after are one, wild night.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-45168918331710296552009-04-17T20:23:00.000-07:002009-04-17T21:50:22.258-07:00

I feel like most of 'us' leave the Church. And let's be honest, a day hasn't gone by since my mission that I haven't thought about leaving--about saying goodbye to all of the hurt and frustration being gay and Mormon has caused. Throwing in the towel and finding a different, happier path. The desire to leave can be powerful and overwhelming and often it feels like both the rational and the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-20919994091829696122009-04-12T13:27:00.000-07:002009-04-12T14:11:53.420-07:00

You don't need the answers to all of life's questions,Just know that He loves them and stay by their side.As I contemplate a single, celibate life in the Church something that has always scared me is the fact that there will be nowhere for me to turn when things go wrong -- after a car accident, when I lose my job, when I need surgery. The pain of those situations will only be compounded by the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-72217290510768529492009-04-10T10:16:00.001-07:002009-04-10T10:18:40.108-07:00

I move forward and backward at the same time, with the same step, the same purpose. - Elie Wiesel

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-78707513257430271062009-04-01T22:49:00.002-07:002009-04-01T22:52:03.981-07:00

Happy April Fool's Day.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-63393520158525424862009-04-01T18:11:00.000-07:002009-04-01T18:20:57.814-07:00

The stake presidency is considering formal disciplinary action in your behalf, including the possibility of disfellowship or excommunication, because you are reported to have participated in conduct unbecoming a member of the Church.You are invited to attend this disciplinary council to give your response, and, if you wish, to provide witnesses and other evidence in your behalf. Please note that

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-68971535067678287712009-03-31T21:04:00.000-07:002009-03-31T21:08:12.642-07:00

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-9941947541656457402009-03-24T22:40:00.000-07:002009-03-24T22:45:25.388-07:00

Let the cat fighting begin....I'm going to try to go down to Utah the first weekend in May for the Matis fireside. I really want to go do one. Anyway, I need a place to stay, people to hang out with and a way to get to the fireside once I'm there. Let me know if you can fulfill any of these needs.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-3692193678686008122009-03-22T12:44:00.000-07:002009-03-22T14:16:48.097-07:00

When faith faileth.Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. (Ecclesiastes 11:1)Five years ago a good friend gave me this scripture and it impressed me so much, I count it a defining moment in my life. Do good to everyone, work hard to find ways to serve, give of yourself and your heart--and when you are in your most desperate times help will be provided you. It's

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-37405924261361118442009-03-19T22:24:00.000-07:002009-03-19T23:03:37.357-07:00

After transfer meeting we went to the temple... I prayed and asked the Lord if my mission was acceptable. I didn't receive any great or strong impression which kind of worried me but I realized what I did feel--a sense of peace and satisfaction. That was my answer. I've done my best for these past two years and that is what I have to offer the Lord, nothing more and nothing less. (December

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-52445506595006795042009-02-28T16:16:00.000-08:002009-02-28T16:48:46.097-08:00

... If I wasn't sacrificing knowing what it would be like to feel love from another person ...... If I wasn't giving up someone to be there for me, always ...... If I wasn't giving up being able to open up a gift on Valentine's Day and spending my birthday with someone special ...... If certainty was easier, because right now, it doesn't make sense that God would really ask me to give up so much

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-60705603055236649572009-02-02T21:09:00.001-08:002009-02-02T21:11:14.178-08:00

One of my blogs was just published on Affirmation's website.Here is the link.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-64777931718413956562009-01-27T20:08:00.000-08:002009-01-27T21:56:42.657-08:00

I invited a lot of people to watch 'Prayers of Bobby' this weekend. I formed a group on Facebook and invited every Mormon person that I know. I sent a reminder email. I updated my status numerous times throughout the day, pleading with people to watch it--if not for themselves, than for me. I wanted to be clear how important it was to me for them to watch it. I didn't know what message would

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-8951901492537102132009-01-19T21:01:00.000-08:002009-01-19T21:02:42.123-08:00

I do not know the person I was three years ago. I do not remember what he dreamed for or how he felt. I do not remember what it was like to feel alone, to feel ashamed of who I am, to be scared that someone would find 'my secret' out.On October 25th, 2006 I met someone who was just like me -- another kid, gay and Mormon, struggling, with more questions than answers. That night, I wrote this quote

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-85835819831246581162009-01-14T22:54:00.000-08:002009-01-14T23:34:19.037-08:00

Premieres January 24th on Lifetime at 9:00.Watch it with your families.  Tell your friends.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-66285757772157512672009-01-11T19:44:00.000-08:002009-01-11T20:44:46.963-08:00

"The Church is a hospital for sinners, not a country club for the Saints."  But most Sunday's it seems more like Pebble Beach than ER.  And so I go, dressed in Sunday best, shining my pearly whites for everyone to see.  Each of us needs the reassurance that the Church's program works without flaw: righteousness leads to happiness.  If you go to Church and read your scriptures and pray then you'll

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-87295354625521199112008-12-30T22:51:00.001-08:002008-12-30T22:51:37.573-08:00

This week I came to powerful, overwhelming conclusions about the course of my life: either way--if I stay, or if I leave--I fill find happiness in this journey. After years of believing the life of a gay Mormon could be nothing more than miserable and nothing better than hell, I realize now happiness awaits the earnest seeker of it. I am not consigned to a life of woe, but am given the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-13405450759573003022008-12-27T20:56:00.000-08:002008-12-27T21:15:16.842-08:00

Vanity is hard work.I mean it. Trying to impress someone is a very expensive and time-consuming process. When I was younger (before and on my mission), I didn't care too much about my appearance. I mean, I showered daily and wore deodorant but my concern for myself stopped there. I had girlfriends and stuff, but I didn't really care about impressing them. Now I know why.Today is a different

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-91549397061667599172008-12-22T22:58:00.000-08:002008-12-22T23:34:44.029-08:00

What happens when your dog dies? When you made the right choice and get a speeding ticket anyway? When you think you have pink eye and can't drive yourself to Urgent Care?This isn't profound, convincing or theologically based. But it's important to me and I've thought about it a lot tonight. I can understand why God would ask someone to be celibate; or giving us impulses we didn't want or

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-59819301120055255032008-12-21T18:04:00.000-08:002008-12-21T18:36:48.852-08:00

Leona Lewis' "Better in Time" is the most played song on my iTunes • I've listened to it 413 times • C.S. Lewis writes the words of my heart • I never believed anyone loved me until I was 23 • I was wrong • I think '30 Rock' is the best show, other than 'Lost', ever made • I've fallen in love with a celebrity • I cheated on my Math 120 final my freshman year of college • The nicest thing anyone

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-83503528022403660932008-12-20T20:32:00.000-08:002008-12-20T20:38:39.772-08:00

I was catching up on Facebook correspondence and forgot that one of my friends from high school had sent this to me.  We haven't been in real contact for about a year, so I was a little surprised as to where this is coming from:"I have been so disappointed by you. You were always my example in conversion, taking big steps. Now you have done nothing but disappoint me. I'm not guilty of

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-27091318112962761262008-12-18T04:51:00.000-08:002008-12-18T05:11:47.372-08:00

What I can offer...1. A credit score of 7912. My mission president's wife told me I would make a great mother some day3. I'm mildly photogenic (we might have a shot at nice wedding pictures)4. A positive cumulative net worth5. A sense of humor6. I'm playful7. A college degree from one of the nation's top schools8. A MacBook Pro9. The complete Backstreet Boys collection10. Everyone will think that

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-51446017892391873692008-12-16T21:28:00.001-08:002008-12-17T15:52:36.526-08:00

... maybe I'm wrong.Last night, I had a 'special' dream about a girl.  Just me and her, doing stuff that when I think about now makes me blush.I'm gonna be pissed if I come out of the closet only to realize that I never should have been in it to begin with.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-64253412646434177262008-12-04T22:55:00.001-08:002008-12-04T23:04:26.116-08:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I would like to make clear a couple of things about myself:I have done some incredibly stupid and slutty things... but, after numerous talks with my bishop I am on course to get my temple recommend back before the year is over... I still make mistakes and I am learning to overcome... but, I do want to go back to the temple, badly.I firmly believe that the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-36404989952187066582008-12-04T22:01:00.000-08:002008-12-04T22:44:04.132-08:00

I know pretty much all the words to every Backstreet Boy song ever written.I say this not to empathize with the gay audience to whom I write.  Nor to show how ridiculously gay I myself am.  I say it to give you a glimpse into my heart.  I spent a large part of my teenage years (and just as large a part of my college years) listening to lovey-dovey lyrics.  I wasn't a fan because I thought Brian

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-32197712927992984052008-11-24T21:47:00.000-08:002008-11-24T21:50:37.489-08:00

Storm by Lifehousehow long have Ibeen in this storm?so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless formwater's getting harder to treadwith these waves crashing over my headif I could just see youeverything will be alrightif I'd see youthe darkness will turn to lightand I will walk on waterand you will catch me if I falland I will get lost into your eyesand everything will be alrightI know you

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-68198153950597680482008-11-15T12:33:00.000-08:002008-11-15T15:39:31.631-08:00

I always thought the Church was a place where people loved each other more than doctrine, a place where members would sooner hold me with open, compassionate arms than let me walk away... The last few days and weeks haven't shaken my testimony, but they have altered my opinion of the Church.  And for the first time in a long time, I seriously consider walking away.  I just wish I knew where I

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-83248965062937541062008-11-04T13:12:00.000-08:002008-11-04T15:20:53.782-08:00

"My heart reaches out to young Californians, teens who are not out of the closet who are alone ... listening to hateful [rhetoric]." - Linda Barney, Mormon Mom at recent Salt Lake rallyGrowing up gay and Mormon is a unique experience. It is a path few have travelled, and for those who do, they spend far too long walking alone.Luckily, I’m not the teenager alone and hating himself in the closet

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-31792086340975170302008-09-30T19:29:00.001-07:002008-10-02T14:55:24.156-07:00

At the Holocaust Memorial in Paris, there is a wall dedicated to what the Jews call "the righteous among all nations" -- dedicated to non-Jews who with brave acts of courage reached out and helped saved Jewish persons during the Holocaust.I'm not comparing my struggle to the Holocaust, or the Church to Nazi Germany, in ANY way. But, in the same way Jewish leaders decided to honor non-Jews who

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-47955117247958344922008-09-11T10:12:00.000-07:002008-09-11T10:46:20.744-07:00

[From the note I posted today on Facebook.]I’m gay.There, I said it. It’s not an easy thing to say nor is it an easy thing to be. I’ve hidden it the majority of my life. I spent most of my adolescence trying to ‘ignore’ it, ‘repress’ it or ‘change’ it. And since I joined the Church, I’ve spent the time since trying to ‘overcome’ it.Over the past two years, I’ve slowly started the ‘coming out’

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-63944325604630157472008-08-07T10:02:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:40:58.577-07:00

It's hard being Mormon.  It's hard being gay.  It's hell being both.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-59309402956602989702008-08-05T13:09:00.001-07:002008-08-07T07:54:41.366-07:00

A couple weeks ago some of the amazing young women in my life challenged me to an anatomy lesson. Apparently, my knowledge of female anatomy was completely lacking (did you know that the female genitalia has three separate holes--each with its own unique function?) I was as floored as you--and likely just as nauseous. They had a drawing of one, which I proceeded to color with crayons--never

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-77455897559815399882008-08-03T18:11:00.000-07:002008-08-03T18:22:51.961-07:00

I saw this on PostSecret.com and thought it was my secret, too.  Or at least wished that it was.  It bothers me that apparently every gay guy is a whore, because it makes me think that the Church might actually be right about the 'evils' and 'selfishness' of homosexuality--completely right.  What worries me more though is knowing that I probably am as much a whore (if not more) as everyone.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-75880619580747027592008-07-13T16:19:00.000-07:002008-07-13T16:21:29.125-07:00

From the Salt Lake Tribune:Homosexuality not normalPublic Forum Letterhttp://www.sltrib.com/opinion/ci_9861995I commend Latter-day Saint leaders for instructing California Mormons to support the marriage amendment that will be on the November ballot. Contrary to Ben Jarvis, Californians do not believe in homosexual marriages ("Fight LDS marriage ban," Forum, July 5). In 2000, voters adopted

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-74070798588424401082008-07-12T10:16:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:41:11.263-07:00

I cannot deny that I have laid my hands on individual's heads and they have been healed.That I have spoken, through the Spirit, what God Himself would say.That I have witnessed miracles.That I have heard the voice of God.But...I cannot deny that I can feel pure and undefiled love for another man.That more than anything, I want companionship.That I can't make it through life alone.That I am scared

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-46436682034693853882008-07-10T13:17:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:41:03.899-07:00

[The above video tells the story of two closeted police officers in the 1950s, taken from the television show Cold Case.  In it, one says that they are cursed for being gay.  The other one takes exception to that and responds: "Cursed? We are the lucky ones."]Cursed?  We are the lucky ones. Being gay and Mormon is a challenging experience.  Most days it seems unfair, many days it seems unbearable

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-83877169451202021962008-07-06T14:05:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:40:52.796-07:00

If they found what they were looking for.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-61473164668270317912008-06-23T22:23:00.001-07:002009-04-20T17:57:16.309-07:00

I thought I was making some real progress on my blog. I've written three entries this month, which is quite the accomplishment for me. I'll have to admit while I haven't fully embraced the blogging world, I have enjoyed my time here.Writing has been a somewhat therapeutic experience for me, and reading what others have to say has been equally so. There are so many views presented, I feel like

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-7241182192346885062008-06-20T01:47:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:41:08.665-07:00

I've always been a true romantic at heart. I love chick flicks and love-songs--and for someone like me who is pretty inexperienced with love and such--I imagined my life would play out like one.Now I'm a gay Mormon, so I wasn't expecting 'happily, ever after.' But history and literature are full of stories of unrequited love and lovers torn apart. I guess I was thinking something a little more

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-68178514631903174252008-06-10T13:10:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:41:08.665-07:00

You think it wouldn't be as hard as it is.Step 1.  Come out to people who are already gay.Step 2. Change "Interested in:" to Men.Step 3. Stop caring what people think.

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-43744538056974755342008-05-14T21:27:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:56:37.107-07:00

"How does it feel?When I hold you in my armsAnd you're lying next to meNever wanting you to leaveUntil I'll tell you how it feelsTo be cradled like my dreamsAnd to know that you love meNo more wasting time in asking other peopleNothing can replace this feelingKnowing someone loves you"- Westlife, How Does It Feel?I plan on staying. That's the plan. I mean, if Justin Timberlake walked into my

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-50388960594840019452008-05-03T22:03:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:41:08.666-07:00

Who cares whose arms I'm all wrapped up in?Who cares whose eyes I see myself in?Who cares who I dream of?Who cares who I love?- Randi Driscoll, "What Matters"

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-71013180659346997032008-04-16T20:47:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:40:55.451-07:00

"I had a book of Bible stories when I was a kid. There was a picture I'd look at twenty times every day: Jacob wrestles with the angel. I don't really remember the story, or why the wrestling --just the picture. Jacob is young and very strong. The angel is...a beautiful man, with golden hair and wings, of course. I still dream about it. Many nights. I'm...It's me. In that struggle. Fierce, and

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-29384828567223202372008-04-11T16:42:00.000-07:002009-04-20T17:41:18.422-07:00

I think I understand why you want to leave. At least some of the reason.Homosexuality and Mormonism just don't seem to fit: the things you believe and the things you feel just don't seem to make sense anymore. You love the Church, the Gospel, the people. And yet, being gay separates you from all of those things. Not because you want it that way or you'd choose it that way--but because it just

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-75986056178919974242008-02-23T20:59:00.000-08:002009-04-20T17:47:46.667-07:00

"Our lives will change when tomorrow comesTonight our hearts drown the distant drums" - Miss SaigonI've been thinking a lot about my mission lately. About the successes and the trials and the hard times. When I was on it, I thought it would never end. Despite the difficulties, I worked hard. It was up and down, but mostly down. Some companions were difficult,

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-273376566532920422008-02-14T13:13:00.001-08:002009-04-20T17:47:17.478-07:00

I'm sure many of you remember back in the Summer of 2006, the First Presidency had a letter read from the pulpit of chapels during Sacrament Meeting encouraging the membership of the Church to contact their political leaders regarding "our" support of the 'Marriage Protection Amendment.' As I looked through emails from the past, I stumbled upon my letter to my two Senators who took part in the

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-24667491650693663442008-02-05T19:38:00.000-08:002009-04-20T17:43:58.531-07:00

"Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you, and the same is true for saints. Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart, and that anyone is capable of anything."Coming out is a slow process. It took me 22 years to really

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6920053530679991857.post-80160645981706122202008-01-25T12:05:00.000-08:002009-04-20T17:45:36.744-07:00

Their story:I should like to tell you of three eighteen-year-old boys. In 1856 more than a thousand of our people, some of them perhaps your forebears, found themselves in serious trouble while crossing the plains to this valley. Because of a series of unfortunate circumstances, they were late in getting started. They ran into snow and bitter cold in the highlands of Wyoming. Their situation was

Mark Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04902302370655291641noreply@blogger.com17