My life right now

I move forward and backward at the same time, with the same step, the same purpose. - Elie Wiesel

Don't be pissed.

Happy April Fool's Day.

First me... Then God... Now the Church (Failure: Part 3)

The stake presidency is considering formal disciplinary action in your behalf, including the possibility of disfellowship or excommunication, because you are reported to have participated in conduct unbecoming a member of the Church.

You are invited to attend this disciplinary council to give your response, and, if you wish, to provide witnesses and other evidence in your behalf. Please note that any invited witnesses must be members of the Church. It is important for you to attend, that you are able to express fully your own thoughts and feelings.

The disciplinary council will be held Sunday, April 12th at 3:30p.m. at the North Seattle Stake Center...

This week is not going well. What's the point of going forward? I have nothing else to say.

My New Personal Blog

If you live in Utah...

Let the cat fighting begin....

I'm going to try to go down to Utah the first weekend in May for the Matis fireside. I really want to go do one. Anyway, I need a place to stay, people to hang out with and a way to get to the fireside once I'm there. Let me know if you can fulfill any of these needs.

When Charity Faileth (Failure Part 2)

When faith faileth.

Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. (Ecclesiastes 11:1)

Five years ago a good friend gave me this scripture and it impressed me so much, I count it a defining moment in my life. Do good to everyone, work hard to find ways to serve, give of yourself and your heart--and when you are in your most desperate times help will be provided you. It's the perfect plan, you don't even need to hedge your bets. The payback doesn't depend on any single person, it only depends on God. Even if friend or family fails you, God will provide.

About a month ago, a friend of mine was praying to know that someone cared for him, that someone was looking out for him. Not long after he finished the prayer, he got an email from a friend saying something to the effect of: "You do so much for others, I hope you know that me (and so many others) are looking out for you--if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you."

I thought I'd repeat the experiment a couple of weeks ago when I was in desperate need of help. My phone rang twice that day. I can't express how good it felt both times to know that faith and trust in God and His words paid off. That He does listen, that He doesn't fail His children. Unfortunately, both times it was someone calling to ask me for something. I should have learned after the first time (it would have saved me the blow of the second) but I needed badly to believe that my faith would be rewarded. It wasn't.

Faith failed me.

When hope faileth.

Last June, during what was then the most difficult part of my life, a friend told me that in March they had received a blessing from their bishop--in that blessing she had told not to worry about me, because this time next year I would be happy and good. I placed hope in that promise to her and it got me through a period of darkness when I could see no light. I trusted God and looked forward to March 2009 when I would again be happy.

Fast forward to today, and I'm far from it--in fact, I've never been lower. I've never been more heartbroken. I've never felt the sting of loneliness as piercing as it is now. I have placed too much hope in another promise that has turned out to be nothing more than a lie.

How can I have hope in resurrection or redemption when I don't even have it for tomorrow?

Hope failed me.

When charity faileth.

Remember when they used to show pictures in health class of a smoker's lungs? I can't know for sure, but I think that's what my heart looks like. I imagine that something that hurts so much has to be bruised, tumored and ugly. I used to have a good heart, a pure one. I used to be a little boy who loved to joke around and play and smile. People used to frequently tell me they never saw me without a smile on my face. I don't smile much anymore. The little boy is dead, a man stands before you now.

Many of the people closest to me have put me through nothing short of the equivalent of emotional rape. People have used me so much, I feel completely used up. The heart that used to love and trust and care for others has become something unbearable to me. It only works well enough for me to feel pain--what good is it to me (or to anyone) anymore. As Tony Kushner once wrote:

God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn.

Whatever love and goodness within me has only worsened my fate, has only made an already dreary life even more painful.

And where is God when it hurts? Absent, as if He were never really there. Where is the love that conquers all, even death? I guess His church can't figure out how to love those that don't quite fit, I guess my friends (His children) can't figure out how to show me love when I need it most, I guess it shouldn't surprise that His love fails, too.

Charity failed me. At least we're even. I failed Him, He failed me.

Failure

After transfer meeting we went to the temple... I prayed and asked the Lord if my mission was acceptable. I didn't receive any great or strong impression which kind of worried me but I realized what I did feel--a sense of peace and satisfaction. That was my answer. I've done my best for these past two years and that is what I have to offer the Lord, nothing more and nothing less. (December 21st, 2005)

I struggled my entire mission to know whether the Lord accepted my efforts, if it was an 'acceptable offering' to Him. I can say without reservation that I worked and loved and obeyed the best I knew how. Still I didn't understand how the God who wouldn't accept a blemished calf could possibly accept what I had to offer. And yet, at the end, imperfect as it was, I feel like He had.

Today, I find myself in a very similar situation. The past few years have been a failed effort to succeed in the Church as a gay member. I've prayed and fasted and studied. I've tried to look beyond my own struggle to reach out and help others. I've tried to find the reasoning and rationale as to why God would ask this of me. I've tried to love Him and His children, the best I can.

I've tried to lose myself in the service of His children only to be left feeling more dejected and lonely. I've taken steps of faith into the darkness and found no light. I've climbed Mount Moriah to find that there is no ram in the thicket--not for me, not this time. Here I stand, giving Him the best that I can offer. Surely, someone better could offer something much greater. But this is me--and I've given Him the best that I can.

I know it might be difficult for some to believe that the Lord would accept such a sacrifice. But like the widow who gave her two mites and had nothing left to give -- I feel quite the same. Maybe I've failed, but I've given all I have to offer.

His children might, but I don't think that the Lord will fault me for giving up and walking away.

Just about sex.

... If I wasn't sacrificing knowing what it would be like to feel love from another person ...

... If I wasn't giving up someone to be there for me, always ...

... If I wasn't giving up being able to open up a gift on Valentine's Day and spending my birthday with someone special ...

... If certainty was easier, because right now, it doesn't make sense that God would really ask me to give up so much good ...

... If I wasn't confronted with the embarrassment of always having to show up to Church activities and work parties by myself ...

... If just being 'single' was enough. It isn't. He wants me alone. Isolated from people in the Church who can't see past their own hate and prejudice. Isolated from the gay community which 'would surely lead me astray'. A solitary life with the support of too few friends, who ask far more of me than has ever been given in return ...

... If one day I wouldn't have to stand before God with the ultimate awkwardness as He looks with pity upon one of HIs children who died unloved and alone ...

Why can't this just be about giving up sex?

check it out.

One of my blogs was just published on Affirmation's website.

Here is the link.

Entirely alone

I invited a lot of people to watch 'Prayers of Bobby' this weekend. I formed a group on Facebook and invited every Mormon person that I know. I sent a reminder email. I updated my status numerous times throughout the day, pleading with people to watch it--if not for themselves, than for me. I wanted to be clear how important it was to me for them to watch it. I didn't know what message would be presented or if it would be any good--I strongly felt though, that anyone who watched it would come through with a greater understanding of what I'm going through.

More than that, I needed a little evidence that the conclusions that I am drawing are not just vain hope. A little evidence that if I choose to live the celibate lonely life that it won't be entirely alone. That even if I don't have someone's arms to crawl into at night, I'll have an army of friends to support me and help me carry the load that is often too heavy to bear.

I'm finding, though, that sometimes hope is vain. Only three non-Mohos showed up. Two people sent me emails letting me know they watched it. That's five. More people came to my MTV VMA Party in June (a lot more!). One of my roommates sat through twenty minutes of it before he he came up with better plans for his evening. Another told me a couple days later that he wasn't interested in watching my "stupid movie."

I know this of a loving Father in Heaven: He wants his children to have love and support in their lives. If all Church members can give is lip-service, and nothing more, don't be surprised that so many gay people leave.  If no one else will take one foot forward in the darkness with us can we really be expected to go it alone?  If you 'know' the path so well why don't you take my hand--no, embrace in me in the shelter of your arms--and walk with me, encourage me, keep me warm, and when I fall and can walk no further, carry me?

Me asking this of you is no less than what you ask of me.

For the few who did watch it and try to understand what it means to be gay and Mormon, thank you.  You have no idea what it means to me.  Because of you, I don't feel entirely alone.

I am no longer alone.

I do not know the person I was three years ago. I do not remember what he dreamed for or how he felt. I do not remember what it was like to feel alone, to feel ashamed of who I am, to be scared that someone would find 'my secret' out.

On October 25th, 2006 I met someone who was just like me -- another kid, gay and Mormon, struggling, with more questions than answers. That night, I wrote this quote in my journal from Joseph Smith:

"... You do not know how happy I am; ... I feel as if I was relieved of a burden which was almost too heavy for me to bear, and it rejoices my soul, that I am not any longer to be entirely alone in the world."

Suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore. It was me and him.

Slowly, one by one, I let people see the real me. It was not easy (it's still not!) to show a part of myself that I felt was dark and twisted. Along the way, I found so many others who struggle with the same things I do, people from high school, from college, from old wards, from my mission.

My whole life I've been surrounded by people, just like me, but both of us were to afraid to admit who we really were. Too afraid to ask for the help and acceptance and support we so desperately needed.

Last year, I came out on Facebook. My note got dozens of positive comments from members of my ward. Last month, I hung out with seven other gay Mormons, just like me. Last week, I met with my bishop unafraid to be completely open and honest with not only who I am, but who I want to be. Last night, I went to bed so happy and grateful to be gay and Mormon.

Life couldn't be better. Each of us should be so lucky.

If you are alone, you don't need to be. On my eighteenth birthday, I entered the waters of baptism and covenanted with God to bear one another's burdens, and come what may, I intend on always honoring that promise.

If you need help and support, reach out.

If you need to talk to someone, and you have no one else, then let it be me. Facebook me, email me, call me or text me. It feels good not to be alone.

Prayers for Bobby

Premieres January 24th on Lifetime at 9:00.

Watch it with your families.  Tell your friends.

Broken and bleeding

"The Church is a hospital for sinners, not a country club for the Saints."  But most Sunday's it seems more like Pebble Beach than ER.  

And so I go, dressed in Sunday best, shining my pearly whites for everyone to see.  Each of us needs the reassurance that the Church's program works without flaw: righteousness leads to happiness.  If you go to Church and read your scriptures and pray then you'll be happy and everything will work out, come what may.  If you don't find answers, you didn't ask hard enough.  If you didn't find healing, you didn't have enough faith.  If you aren't happy, then something must be wrong.  Not with the Program of course, but with you.

Is the Church really a hospital?  Where are all the blood and guts; the tears and bullet wounds?  Why does everyone look so happy and perfect?  Why is no one broken and bleeding?

I wish the Church were more like a hospital.  Where people were unafraid to show their flaws and wounds--where each of us sees each other the way we really are.  Where we feel better because all of us are failing, and none of us have all the answers.  Where hearts are broken at times when prayers aren't answered.  Where people do everything they can, and still come up short.

I wish Church was a place where each of us could feel comfortable asking for help.  I wish it wasn't awkward to ask my roommate if he could hold onto my computer because, try as I may, I just can't overcome pornography on my own.  I wish I could share my doubts and questions without being made to feel like I was apostate.  I wish I could go up to the stand on testimony Sunday and say "You know what?  I don't know.  But I believe, can't that be enough?"

I need a hospital: I'm not suffering from minor fatigue; I need to be hooked to life support.  

I have doubts. I've hurt so many people who I should have loved.  I've done so many things wrong, I don't even know if I can do right.  I have unanswered prayers.  And I certainly don't have the answers for your problems either. The Gospel may well indeed be the 'perfect plan' but it sure doesn't seem very perfect. As Eve once asked, "Is there no other way?"  This is really the best God has?  Because often it seems pretty lonely, and hard, and long.  "Knock and it shall be opened unto you"?  Too often the door slams "in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside.  After that, silence."

I'm done pretending that answers are easy or even that they always come.  I'm done pretending that more faith is always the answer.  I'm done pretending that the Atonement can just magically fix everything.  I'm done pretending that I'm at a country club.

Either way...

This week I came to powerful, overwhelming conclusions about the course of my life: either way--if I stay, or if I leave--I fill find happiness in this journey. After years of believing the life of a gay Mormon could be nothing more than miserable and nothing better than hell, I realize now happiness awaits the earnest seeker of it. I am not consigned to a life of woe, but am given the opportunity to follow my heart on the path to happiness.

Either way, I will love those who struggle. I will consider myself worthy to be counted as one of a very unique and close community, bound together by not just our trials, but also our hopes and dreams, our quest for understanding and tolerance. I will not seek to rationalize my own decisions by minimizing the conclusions of others. None of us, not one, will come to any verdict without much heart-wrenching turmoil.

For those who find that they must leave, I will question neither their motives or their effort. I will not condemn them, for judgment is God's alone and from what I know of Him, He is much more predisposed to look past our weaknesses and see the purity of our hearts than we may give Him credit for. Likewise, I will not think less of those who choose to stay. They do not stay because they lack the courage to leave. They stay because they see a level of goodness within the Church that they do not find outside of it.

There is no 'better choice'--each of us must find our own way.

Either way, I will sacrifice. The journey of a gay Mormon has no route around Moriah. There is no detour. No matter which decision we make (to leave, to stay, to marry) we walk up that hill as Abraham of old, we take out our blade and with fear, hesitance and uncertainty we soon find that their will be no ram waiting in the thicket for us. Whatever decision we make comes at a great cost, and I do not for a moment underestimate the value of either sacrifice.

If I stay I sacrifice companionship, romance, the chance for a family of my own, to know how it feels to be loved. No one can deny the inexplicably beautiful feeling of butterflies in your stomach. If I leave, I sacrifice the greatest family I have ever known. I remove myself from the Saints of God and the blessings that come from activity in the kingdom of God. I do not separate myself from the love of God, but to a large extent from the love of His people. I will sacrifice the acceptance of many of those whom I love dearly.

Either way, I will love God. God is many to things to many people. The three things I know most powerfully about Him are that He understands, He loves unconditionally and that He weeps with us when we do.

He understands our mistakes. He understands the desires of our hearts. He understands our yearnings for love and family and companioship. He loves us unconditionally and blesses each of us daily even though each of us is less than perfect, even though each of us conciously make decisions that take us further from Him. He weeps with us when we do. He knows our hearts and His compassion is not limited by correct decisions. Even when we weep over the stupid choices we have made, or the things that seem so important that really have no consequence, He weeps with us. Who God is--and who God is to me--remains constant, irrelative of my choice.

Either way, I will serve His children. If I stay or go I will still serve His children and look for opportunities to be selfless. We build His kingdom by building people. My patriarchal blessing says that I have "a great opportunity to be a blessing in the lives of others." I believe that either way, the opportunity and responsibility of that promise is mine. As one who 'struggles', I know the need of reaching out with compassion and love to the gay community. Tolerance and equality are causes worth fighting for. There is much work to do in a world where the last words a 19-year-old boy hears are: "Die, you fucking faggot." There is much work in the Church when so many leave because no one understands them, no one loves them, no one surrounds them with arms of love and carries them upon their backs.

Either way, I will have a place. Be it in the arms of a (hopefully) handsome man or among the other broken Saints of God. There will be times of loneliness--without doubt. That is an unavoidable aspect of life.

The man I love might walk away or might let me down or might not come at all. I'm inexperienced in most matters of love, but I've already learned to much of pain and felt too much heartache--it is inevitable. The Church I love might fail me. There will undoubtedly be many Sundays where I have the whole bench to myself and then I'll walk into Priesthood where the lesson will be on marriage and no one in the room will be able to understand why I just can't overcome "this" and find the right girl.

Despite all this, and in many ways because of it, happiness awaits me. Great things await me. Sometimes life is so good, I don't want to go to bed because I know that no dream could be better.

Tomorrow may bring pain, but today I am happy. And even more happiness awaits.

Chalk One Up for Celibacy and the Church

Vanity is hard work.

I mean it. Trying to impress someone is a very expensive and time-consuming process. When I was younger (before and on my mission), I didn't care too much about my appearance. I mean, I showered daily and wore deodorant but my concern for myself stopped there. I had girlfriends and stuff, but I didn't really care about impressing them. Now I know why.

Today is a different story: a tanning package, teeth-whitening kit, expensive hair products, the complete wardrobe from Banana Republic and a bottle of Armani's Aqua d'Gio and I'm still feeling like there's more to do to show my potential Mr. Right that I'm the right one for him. I hadn't done a pushup since my 9th grade gym teacher forced me to, and last week I collapsed on the floor after doing 63 of them (that number may not be high--but it's impressive for me).

I've even sunk to avoiding doing things on Facebook on Friday and Saturday nights so that he'll think I'm not a loser. (I realize that I'm posting this on Saturday night, but I do have plans later on, I promise.)  I've even seriously considered going through the hundreds of pictures of me on Facebook and untagging myself from the "less photogenic" ones.  Case in point:

So, from a worldly standpoint, I've got one more reason to stay celibate. Without anyone to impress, I'm free to buy LA Looks rather than the premium line of hair gel. I can shop at the GAP rather than Banana Republic and Armani Exchange. I can sit on Facebook, stuffing myself with food I actually like and not have to worry about my lack of a six-pack or small pecks. In other words, I can be myself, without having to market me.

Chalk one up for chastity.

It is not good for man to be alone.

What happens when your dog dies? When you made the right choice and get a speeding ticket anyway? When you think you have pink eye and can't drive yourself to Urgent Care?

This isn't profound, convincing or theologically based. But it's important to me and I've thought about it a lot tonight. I can understand why God would ask someone to be celibate; or giving us impulses we didn't want or choose and then asking us to control them; or even sacrificing loving someone else and being loved by them. But as for mere companionship? The Bible clearly states: "It is not good for man to be alone."

I'm desperately afraid to walk down the path the Church lays before me--not because I think it will be hard (though it will be) or because I fear it will be a worthless endeavor (its already been the most richly rewarding experience of my life) but for the fact that it will be painfully lonely.

We all need someone to be there for us, someone consistent, who knows us well enough to know how to help. "That's what God is for. That's who He is," would be the typical Mormon answer. But each of us knows that sometimes that's just not true.

C.S. Lewis wrote profoundly about how God is often not there when we need Him most. "... But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A dour slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become."

And when that happens we need someone tangible, someone real, someone to hold us and care for us and tell us that it will be okay. Someone that for me, apparently, is not supposed to be.

Let me introduce myself...

Leona Lewis' "Better in Time" is the most played song on my iTunes • I've listened to it 413 times • C.S. Lewis writes the words of my heart • I never believed anyone loved me until I was 23 • I was wrong • I think '30 Rock' is the best show, other than 'Lost', ever made • I've fallen in love with a celebrity • I cheated on my Math 120 final my freshman year of college • The nicest thing anyone has ever said about me was that I see people that no one else does • I wish that I actually did • I used to not care about what other people thought about me • Despite what I say to the contrary, I'm the biggest slut I know • I think flirting is good for the soul • I'm truly happy • My patriarchal blessing says I "have a great opportunity to be an influence for good in many lives" • I hope, more than anything, that that is true • I don't laugh as much as a I used to • I voted for Barack Obama • I've driven three hours to meet someone I met on the internet • My life would be worse off if Britney Spears weren't alive • I'm afraid I'll never be able to love anyone again the way I loved you • My new favorite joke involves two fish in a tank • People at work think I'm a shy, quiet, good Mormon kid • I miss TRL • Globalization makes me anxious • I never swore until I was 22 • I wonder if I'll ever see fireworks again • I haven't ever found music I like more than '90s teen pop • 0:37-0:40 of the song 'Can I Have This Dance?' from HSM3 could probably make me orgasm • I love musical theater • I think I've finally forgiven everyone I have had a grudge against • Right now I'm reading C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" • I've been less than ten feet away from Justin Timberlake • I've been naked on a webcam • I want to grow old with someone • I've only met one person with whom I feel I'm a compatible kisser • I hate getting yelled at more than anything • I've learned valuable life lessons from Arby's • I wish more people thought I was cute • I usually win at 'Settlers of Catan' • I wish I was handsome enough to make someone fall head-over-heels in love with me • I'm a sore loser • November 8, 2008 was the most awkward day of my life • I never want to be afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve • When I was a toddler I used to point at the things I wanted & grunted "eh… eh!" • Not much has changed • I get a new group of friends at least once a year • I have seen Justin Timberlake in concert in 2 different states • I've been to 15 countries • I shook hands with Bill Clinton • I have Christina Aguilera's autograph • I've fallen in love exactly once • My favorite scripture is Galatians 2:20 • I own every Mormon movie ever made • I kissed all of my girl friends and a missionary my freshman year of college • I cried every day for a week at least twice on my mission • I live on a golf course • I've had a wet dream about one of my teachers • I've seen fireworks in my mind only once • My soul mate is Lisa Campbell • I had 2 different girls from back home visit me on my mission • I've called a girl's parents up to introduce myself before asking her on a date • I read the Book of Mormon 8 times before my baptism • I've dyed my hair 7 times and never learned my lesson • I want to join the Peace Corps • I love to tell racist jokes • Which is okay because I have exactly 1 black friend • I've gone gay clubbing more than once • My favorite thing to do in Seattle is to drive around aimlessly with Kurt • I once paid someone $1 to eat a ladle full of mayonnaise • It was on a Sunday, so I never paid them • Someone once bet me $50 Barq's Root Beer doesn’t have caffeine • They never paid me • My favorite band is Westlife • I once spent over $75 on socks • My favorite thing to do is be with other people • October 16th, 2006 changed my life forever • My first concert was N Sync • My favorite CD is from Lauryn Hill • I don't like to listen to the end of songs • I want to live in New York City • I've had 3 people propose marriage to me through the use of posters • Only 2 of them were girls • I know that God weeps when we do • I once had a sleepover with Elders & stayed up until 2:30am playing truth or dare • My favorite place in the world used to be the Seattle Institute • I only write with Dixon Ticonderoga pencils because Walt Whitman only used them • I like to play tennis • My freshman year was the best year of my life • I made one of my mission companion's so sad he called his dad crying on Father's Day • My favorite book is C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce" • My favorite Backstreet Boy was Brian • I used to write poems about missionaries • I like "The Simpson's"• My family has an ocean place on Cannon Beach that I've only been to twice in my life • I loved my mission president and his wife • I've only seen 2 people naked in real life • The police once came during a FHE I was at • I've gotten every job I've applied to • I'm pretty sure most people use me but usually I'm okay with it • I used to have my wedding songs picked out • I want to die before I turn 30 • I rock my world • I only believe people’s compliments when they are about my teeth • I’ve seen Justin Timberlake in concert three times • Some of my favorite friends are mohos • December 25, 2000 and March 18th, 2007 were the two worst days of my life • I’ve only had a broken heart once • Deep down inside, I’m a whore • Shasta Soda is my arch-nemesis • I’m worried the only anniversary I’ll ever celebrate is November 2 • I’ve road-tripped to Utah three times • I log-on to Facebook more than I need to or should • I set too high of expectations for everyone • I once was given a pair of boxers that read “I LOVE ME” from a winner of the Price is Right • I won Christina Aguilera’s autograph from a nationwide Super Bowl competition • Of all the people in my life, I only think one hasn’t considered me more than a back-up plan, for anything • The last time I held hands with a girl was during ‘Lilo & Stitch 2’ • I’ve only missed one session of General Conference, ever • I took a piece of a wall from Pompeii... • ... and the Tower of London. • I used to go to the temple every Wednesday night • I make 3 calls for everyone 1 I receive • I go tanning • I got more mail than any missionary in my mission • I was part of the ‘Notorious Freshman’ • I’ve gotten every job I applied for • I was a Teamster • I love Apple • I always wanted to be a Backstreet Boy • The only person who’s never let me down was my mission president • I’m scared of dying alone • I always touch the walls of caves, even when they tell me not to • I like to greet people at the airport with ‘Welcome Home’ signs • I’ve been to the Washington DC, Seattle, Spokane, Columbia River Basin, Los Angeles, Copenhagen, Boise, Logan, Provo, Mount Timpanogas, Ogden, Salt Lake and Jordan River temples • I’m listening to “When I Saw You” by Mariah Carey as I type this • I don’t ever want to be in love again • I hate when people waste my time • My iPod is full • I made a Post Secret that I am too afraid people would know was mine to mail in • I don’t like the taste of bottled water • I wish it was easier to choose who you love • There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my mission • I wish people would think my jokes are funny • I like the way people sing words that rhyme with “all” • Billy Joel’s “The Stranger” used to be my favorite album • I believe in Britney • I used to have a subscription to Rolling Stone • I’ve seriously contemplated if I would have sex with Oprah Winfrey if given the opportunity • ... on numerous occasions • When I was 13 I used to try to watch scrambled porn on Playboy TV • I’ve spent the majority of my life with the gospel not being able to go to the temple • I think people are better than they think they are • More than anything, I hope someone is waiting at the gates of the Celestial Kingdom with a "Welcome Home" sign • I look cuter in the dark • I voted for George W. Bush • I placed a curse on Sprint when I was 19, and actually believe it worked • I love my MacBook more than most of my friends • I judge how good of a writer I am by how many hits my blog gets • I once ate someone else's armpit hair in a ball of butter • I weigh less than 125 pounds • I spent the whole summer after my fifth grade working on improving my handwriting • I think Speed Scrabble may be the best game ever • I want to be everyone's friend • Someone once told me they would kill me for my teeth • My ultimate dream is to have a yacht in Monaco Harbor • I pee in the shower • I want to join the Peace Corps • I get really nervous around pretty girls • At least one girl has prayed to know if she should marry me and gotten an affirmative answer • My favorite TV show is "Friends" • I once accidently visited a website called boyzone.com • I once had a nightmare about sour cream and haven't been able to eat it since • I would give anything to be in a boyband • I think I have a tender heart • I marched in a gay rights parade when I was a young kid • I was voted Prom King my summer as a camp counselor • I used to think testicles were marbles • The best dream of my life was meeting Mark Feehily • I took a piece of Pompeii with me • I have a new favorite song about once every two weeks • I used to have an earring • I once stepped on a packet of tartar sauce and started dry-heaving • The Zebra F-402 is the best pen ever manufactured • I fill out customer surveys on receipts and think I'll actually win • I can't stand the sound of people chewing • I threw up in the Rose Garden during a Backstreet Boys concert • I have a hard time forgiving people • I sneeze every time I eat an Altoid • My favorite type of peanut butter is 25% Reduced Fat Extra Crunchy Skippy • I want to name my first son Matthew Israel • I think Paris Hilton doesn't get enough credit • I won't consider myself successful in business unless I own a Bentley • I miss high school • I BELIEVE • I don't like the taste of alcohol or coffee • I think most people invent their faith • A middle-aged black women in Catonsville, MD once told me she had a message for me from God • I believed her • I like to tell jokes about muffins • It actually hurts me when people don't laugh at them • I have a man-crush on a guy I work with • My room is always cold • I've seen real and undeniable miracles • The thing I look forward most to having my own house is having matching dishes • If I was going to marry anyone, right now, it would be Jennifer Daniel • I'm a bad judge of character • I have Robin (from Batman) on my keychain • I have all sorts of fruity chapstick • I was a cute kid • I haven't read a real book since high school • My iPod probably has more 90s pop music on it than a 13-year-old girls' • I'm scared that I'm a bad kisser

Friends?

I was catching up on Facebook correspondence and forgot that one of my friends from high school had sent this to me.  We haven't been in real contact for about a year, so I was a little surprised as to where this is coming from:

"I have been so disappointed by you. You were always my example in conversion, taking big steps. Now you have done nothing but disappoint me. I'm not guilty of discrimination Mark, I'm proud to believe in and support God's laws. Now you have violated the most sacred covenants from the temple even and I'm ashamed for you. I know there's a way back, and that Christ loves you no matter what, but I'm not going to lie and congratulate you on giving in to Satan's ploys to drag you into misery...."

Hope that each of us are able to have people in our lives that, although they might not understand or agree with us, will still love and support us.

Lookin' for someone?

What I can offer...

1. A credit score of 791
2. My mission president's wife told me I would make a great mother some day
3. I'm mildly photogenic (we might have a shot at nice wedding pictures)

4. A positive cumulative net worth
5. A sense of humor
6. I'm playful

7. A college degree from one of the nation's top schools
8. A MacBook Pro
9. The complete Backstreet Boys collection

10. Everyone will think that you're the better looking one
11. I have 10.5 size shoes (and you know what they say about guys with big feet)
12. I fall in love quickly, and devote everything

13. I look cuter in the dark
14. A testimony of the Church and a love of God
15. A clean driving record

16. I'm sensitive
17. I'm great with children
18. I'm a good listener
19. I'm a return missionary
20. I'm well-traveled and well read
21. I have low standards
22. A large social circle of friends
23. I'm not into video games
24. Even if you're fat, I'm so thin our kids might still have a chance


25. I'm fine being either the big or little spoon
26. I can draw a vagina with my eyes closed (not sure if this is a benefit or not)
27. I have very limited experience with kissing/relationships (you can teach me how you want to do it!)


28. A big heart
29. I get turned on by turning others on
30. A trust fund

31. Tons of frequent flier miles
32. Perfect teeth
33. A high sperm count (I'm just guessing on this one...)

34. Let's be honest, we both know there are much uglier people out there than me
35. I believe in true love
36. A lot of room to grow
37. Employee rates on a mortgage through Wells Fargo

Anyone interested? If you are, leave a comment with contact information and your intentions, I'm ready to start planning my life with you.

I thought I was gay...

... maybe I'm wrong.

Last night, I had a 'special' dream about a girl.  Just me and her, doing stuff that when I think about now makes me blush.

I'm gonna be pissed if I come out of the closet only to realize that I never should have been in it to begin with.

Full Disclosure

In the interest of full disclosure, I would like to make clear a couple of things about myself:

I have done some incredibly stupid and slutty things... but, after numerous talks with my bishop I am on course to get my temple recommend back before the year is over... I still make mistakes and I am learning to overcome... but, I do want to go back to the temple, badly.

I firmly believe that the Gospel is true... but, I went two years on a mission without ever saying, "I know the Church is true."  I still have unanswered questions and pieces that don't fit.

When it comes down to it, I don't know where my final destination is.  I don't have any clear answers for myself or anyone else.  I'm just trying to walk forward.

Just mangled guts pretending

I know pretty much all the words to every Backstreet Boy song ever written.

I say this not to empathize with the gay audience to whom I write.  Nor to show how ridiculously gay I myself am.  I say it to give you a glimpse into my heart.  

I spent a large part of my teenage years (and just as large a part of my college years) listening to lovey-dovey lyrics.  I wasn't a fan because I thought Brian was hot (though, I do).  I was a fan because I believed the words they sang.  Like scripture to my soul, they reaffirmed to me a universal truth that everyone should know.  I always believed in seeing fireworks, in happily-ever-afters, in 'nothing else matters' and 'no one else comes close' and, most of all, in love itself. 

I always knew that someone was out there for me whose face would light up when I walked into the room and that would make the butterflies inside me go crazy when I saw them, even after 20 years.  That there would be someone who I would lay next to at night all tangled up in each other.  Someone who's heartbeat I could listen to for hours.  Someone who I'd make breakfast for in bed on their birthday and just-because.  Someone who'd I want to show off at work Christmas parties and mission reunions.  Someone who I could sit next to at movies and not feel alone.  Someone who I could bring home from college to introduce to my family.

Over the last two years though, I've had a crash course in reality.  And something I always knew (but never quite so poignantly), is that God wants my heart.  Mistakes happen and can be repented of; hormones can get out control and really, it's not a huge deal.  But God wants my heart.  

He doesn't want a piece of it, He wants the whole thing, and He wants me to give it to Him.  For a reason I don't entirely understand, He wants me to give up the dream of being able to lay next to someone I love, He wants me to give up the desire to feel what its like to fall asleep in someone's arms.  He wants my heart and more than anything, I don't want to give it up.

As a Church member, I always had this romantic idea of what 'giving your heart to God' meant. It was a beautiful and peaceful experience accompanied by warm-fuzzies and angelic harmonies.  Sure, it might be kind of hard, but it was the ultimate triumph, the ultimate victory before everlasting peace and happiness.

For those of you who have read or seen Angels in America, I feel like the experience might be more something like this:

Harper: In your experience of the world. How do people change?

Mormon Mother: Well it has something to do with God so it's not very nice. God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching.

Harper: And then get up. And walk around.

Mormon Mother: Just mangled guts pretending.

I firmly believe that my heart is the best thing about me.  Does He really want me to rip it out, broken and bleeding?  Does He really want me to give up my dream of interlocking fingers with someone I love?  

Does He really want me to be just mangled guts pretending?

Barely Surving Has Become My Purpose

Storm by Lifehouse



how long have I
been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the darkness will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the darkness will turn to light

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright

i want to leave.

I always thought the Church was a place where people loved each other more than doctrine, a place where members would sooner hold me with open, compassionate arms than let me walk away... The last few days and weeks haven't shaken my testimony, but they have altered my opinion of the Church.  And for the first time in a long time, I seriously consider walking away.  I just wish I knew where I could go.

There's something more appealing about being surrounded by those who love and support you; by being able to follow your heart wherever it leads; to finding companionship and love.

If I leave, this is where I want to go:

To the boy in the closet

"My heart reaches out to young Californians, teens who are not out of the closet who are alone ... listening to hateful [rhetoric]." - Linda Barney, Mormon Mom at recent Salt Lake rally

Growing up gay and Mormon is a unique experience. It is a path few have travelled, and for those who do, they spend far too long walking alone.

Luckily, I’m not the teenager alone and hating himself in the closet anymore.

I lived through the self-loathing, the pleading to change, and the tear-filled nights. Now I’m 24. I survived the group showers at the MTC. My best friend is gay, too. On Saturday night I hung out with seven other gay Mormon guys and had a lot of fun. I’m ‘out’ to my ward. I’m more than surviving, I am happy.

Here’s a letter I have written to my seventeen-year-old self.

Dear Mark,

You're not fooling anyone. You have a poster of Justin Timberlake on your wall for goodness sake! If you want to fly under the radar, put up one of Britney Spears (or at least one of all of 'N Sync) and probably throw away your Backstreet Boys' action figures—GI Joes they are not.

Don't do it though! Be who you are. Don't waste time or opportunities to do what makes you happy. What other people think or say isn't worth missing all the happy memories you'll make.

While I have your attention, I wanted to give you an edge up on the learning curve. Over the next seven years, you are going to learn a lot of things about yourself, about the Church and about being gay.

You’re going to cross the Sweetwater River, climb Mount Moriah, collapse on the plains from exhaustion, and feel as alone as Mormon and Moroni did. And (not to sound like a cheesy EFY CD, but) find joy in the journey.

You are not alone

First and foremost, you are not alone. Sure, you feel alone. But you are not the only one. There are more than just gay celebrities and all those guys in Sean Cody videos. There are other gay Mormons. There are probably a couple in your life right now.

You spend too much time thinking that you are the only one so weak or ungodly to have this 'wicked spirit in your breast.' But you are thinking about it all wrong. There isn't anything inherently wrong with you. You believe it, but it’s not true. No matter how much you fast and pray, its probably not going to change (at least it hasn't happened, yet).

Ignore the gay jokes in Priest Quorum. Ignore the differences you perceive between yourself and your 'normal' peers. They will only isolate you further. Somewhere along the way (and not a moment too soon), your path will cross another gay Mormon and your life will forever change. You will realize that someone else experienced what you did, someone else feels the way you do. Someone else is just like you. In time, you'll meet others. And soon you'll realize the truth of the words that Joseph Smith recounted on finally being able to show the gold plates to three others:

... You do not know how happy I am; ... I feel as if I was relieved of a burden which was almost too heavy for me to bear, and it rejoices my soul, that I am not any longer to be entirely alone in the world.

Sometimes you will want to give up, and that's okay

Everyone wants to throw in the towel. When things were darkest even Jesus himself uttered the profound words "let this cup pass from me." (Matthew 26:39)

Things will be hard. You will experience loneliness and longing that other people will never be exposed to, let alone understand. Reconciliation isn't easy and it will be difficult to find harmony between the teachings of the Church and the inclinations you did not choose. But the struggle is worthwhile. Figuring things out will make you a more sympathetic and compassionate and stronger person.

You are loved you

God loves you. You might not believe that. You'll be given reasons to doubt it. But it’s true! No matter the choices before you, the temptations you face or the mistakes you make His love will see you through it all.

Eventually, you'll find other people that love and support you. More than you ever could have thought. People who will have no other reaction to you ‘coming out’ then to wrap their arms around you. People whose hearts will pain as they think of the pain you have had to deal with. People who will be anxious to share your burdens.

There is a place for you in the Church

I don't know where it is, and if you somehow find it before me, please let me know. The Church needs sensitive, selfless and faithful men and because of this challenge/trial/blessing you can proudly measure up to the standard.

Read the New Testament: Jesus always made room for the ‘misfits’ [read: gays], those who no one else saw [read: gays], and who were treated poorly by those in power [read: gays].

Count yourself lucky that you get to chose a different, higher, better path. Your conviction will be tested. Your faith will be tried. Other people choose whether to go to Mount Moriah (and most do not), you will be dragged there (even if it is kicking and screaming). You are a lucky one.

Life will get better, richer and more meaningful.  Hang on!

The Wall of the Righteous

At the Holocaust Memorial in Paris, there is a wall dedicated to what the Jews call "the righteous among all nations" -- dedicated to non-Jews who with brave acts of courage reached out and helped saved Jewish persons during the Holocaust.

I'm not comparing my struggle to the Holocaust, or the Church to Nazi Germany, in ANY way. But, in the same way Jewish leaders decided to honor non-Jews who stood and helped I, too, wish to honor those non-gays in my life who are both courageous and unconditional in their love for me.

I recently "came out" on Facebook and I wanted to share just a small sampling of the many responses I got from friends:

i love you. always have, always will... i'm so happy that the rest of the world now gets to know truly wonderful you.

I'm proud of you, Mark. This is probably the bravest and toughest thing you'll ever do. Congratulations on releasing the real you and I wish every good thing for you upon your journey.

I figured with your love of n'sync and backstreet boys but it never changed my opinion of you... You were a great friend before and I still think of you as that same great friend. I still love you buddy.

Dont be afraid of being yourself, or trying to be someone you aren't. I think the majority of this world trys to be someone they arent. I think the world needs more people like you. Those who know who they are. They are Genuine. You are genuine mark.

I will never stop calling you a friend.

I hope you will be able to feel loved all throughout your life and not feel or be alone. And I hope nobody will make you feel feelings of inadequacy, because there is no reason for that.

i am glad that you are finally going to be who you are.

im sure alot of people accepted it before you did.

youve got to be one of the bravest people i know. so, thanks for being an example to the rest of us mark, in your attitude, your testimony, and in being honest in who you are, which for everyone is probably the hardest thing of all

It's about time someone stood up for who they are!

i'll split that row with you before you sit there alone.

I love you mark.

Way to be true to yo' self!

you are definitely not alone and I support you

i cried when i read your post, not because you are gay, but because of the suffering and pain you have felt and will feel.

You know I will always love you and care about you, and I support you if you are gay, straight, purple, yellow, etc!!

I just wanted to let you know that I admire your courage in "coming out of the closet"

You are a wonderful person and I admire that you "came out" I don't think anyone should ever have to hide who they are.

I always knew even though im homophobic. Anyways I still love my litle mark johnson.You a stud. All the support from me.

I have no idea how hard this must be for you, but stick with it.

I wanted to share some of the many comments I received. Most, if not all, were from 'faithful, active' members of the Church. I celebrate your love with gratitude.

My own Wall of Righteous:

• Adam Hamilton
• Aimee Elber
• Allen Brand
• Amanda Gudgel
• Andrew Craig
• Carrie McGrath
• Derek Child
• Elisabeth DeLeeuw
• Heidi Spere
• Jenny Aldrich
• Jon Caldwell
• Josh Wickern
• Justin Dobrolecki
• Kali Clark
• Kaylene Faucette
• Kristin Shill
• Kristin Wegener
• Lauren Hillard
• Lisa Campbell
• Mallory Davidson
• Marlayna Wiley
• Megan Belcher
• Meridith Baldwin
• Mia Montengro
• Michael Clements
• Mike Singleton
• Morgan Dipo
• Nick Bellamy
• Nicki Hugie
• Stephen Barr
• Steven Webster
• Suzanne Reeve

Life Begins Anew: Coming Out on Facebook

[From the note I posted today on Facebook.]

I’m gay.

There, I said it. It’s not an easy thing to say nor is it an easy thing to be. I’ve hidden it the majority of my life. I spent most of my adolescence trying to ‘ignore’ it, ‘repress’ it or ‘change’ it. And since I joined the Church, I’ve spent the time since trying to ‘overcome’ it.
Over the past two years, I’ve slowly started the ‘coming out’ process and it has been the most liberating experience of my life.

“Failing to acknowledge our parts keeps us from evolving… Rejecting our parts is like amputating our limbs. The more parts we deny and the longer our list of how we “should” be and behave, the more we cripple ourselves. And we do so in vain: the parts we decide we should not express eventually surface in devious, often destructive ways. This usually entails emotional or physical pain, or both…”

I have stopped acting as I “should” be and begun to be and act who I am. And I never want to go back. I never want to go back to feeling alone, unloved, different or evil. I have no need to be scared—this is who I am and who I have always been.

That’s not to say I have everything figured out or know what life has in store for me. I’m not just gay, I’m Mormon, too, and being either is hard. Being both is hell. For the most part, I still love the Church and the people in it. I love the Gospel and it’s clarion call to become less of me and more of something better. I love that within the Gospel is the power to become that ‘something better’.

Before my mission and on it, I thought that ‘better’ meant ‘normal’ or ‘straight’ or ‘heterosexual’. I thought if I worked hard and gave everything I had, that God would finally ‘fix’ me.

And He did. He gave me experiences that helped me to grow, gain perspective, become less selfish and more selfless, learn to sacrifice and understand my duty to help others. But he didn’t make me straight.

I’m not going to have a white picket fence and I’m never going to need to buy a suburban. I probably will never need to bring Cheerios or kids books to entertain my children during Sacrament meeting.

My greatest fear is that I’ll live life alone and unloved. That I’ll have a whole row to myself during Church, that I’ll only contribute to other people’s children’s mission funds, that I’ll face a lot of nights just cooking for one. I’m afraid of what happens when I lose my job or get in a car accident and have no one to hold me or tell me “everything is going to be okay”. I’m afraid I’ll have no one to share the good times, the funny stories, my dreams and secrets with.

I have hope though. Not necessarily hope that I’ll change or the Church will. But hope that life will be kind and that I’ll be able to find happiness, joy and friendship. Hope that whatever journey I end up taking, I will have friends by my side and that never again I’ll have to feel entirely different and alone.

Hope that instead of feeling ‘different’, I’ll begin to feel love.

As I’ve ‘come out’ to a few close friends I’ve been greatly encouraged. I’m grateful for an Elder’s Quorum president who isn’t afraid to talk to me about ‘it’ and tries more than anything to empathize. Grateful for a friend whose first reaction was to say “I know” and embrace me in a hug. Grateful for a straight guy who doesn’t mind that by hanging out with me, people think he’s probably gay, too. Grateful for an Institute teacher who is willing to share the burden with me. Grateful for a guy, who most people would consider homophobic, who gave me a blessing and a hug. Grateful for meeting a young man who I barely knew that showed me that I wasn’t, in fact, alone in the world.

I’m not sure anyone is going to be entirely surprised by this (if the Backstreet Boys didn’t give it away, maybe it was my affinity for Banana Republic or Broadway musicals). Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Sorry that I hid so much of me for so long.

This is me: an avid pop music fan, a pizza-delivering finance graduate, a return missionary, a kid with a crush on Justin Timberlake, a guy who really wants to be something better than he is.

It’s nice to finally introduce myself to you.
Mark Ryan Johnson

Hell.

It's hard being Mormon.  It's hard being gay.  It's hell being both.

Vagina's Make Me Queasy

A couple weeks ago some of the amazing young women in my life challenged me to an anatomy lesson. Apparently, my knowledge of female anatomy was completely lacking (did you know that the female genitalia has three separate holes--each with its own unique function?) I was as floored as you--and likely just as nauseous. They had a drawing of one, which I proceeded to color with crayons--never again will I be able to return to a box of Crayola's with my childhood innocence intact.

I'd rather think about death and other unpleasantries than about a naked woman. Words like 'pussy' make me uncomfortable. Seeing a naked women makes me feel guilty and uneasy. The thought of having sex with a women seems completely unnatural to me.

The truth is, I'm gay. Like, really gay.

Yep, me too.

I saw this on PostSecret.com and thought it was my secret, too.  Or at least wished that it was.  It bothers me that apparently every gay guy is a whore, because it makes me think that the Church might actually be right about the 'evils' and 'selfishness' of homosexuality--completely right.  What worries me more though is knowing that I probably am as much a whore (if not more) as everyone.

So this is faith?

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

Homosexuality not normal
Public Forum Letter
http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/ci_9861995

I commend Latter-day Saint leaders for instructing California Mormons to support the marriage amendment that will be on the November ballot. Contrary to Ben Jarvis, Californians do not believe in homosexual marriages ("Fight LDS marriage ban," Forum, July 5). In 2000, voters adopted Proposition 22 to ban gay marriage by 61 percent. This democratic vote was overturned by a few activist judges who placed their will above that of the people.
The family is the fundamental cell of society. The family - and through it, all human society - has its source and origin in marriage. Marriage is ordered to the procreation and education of offspring.
Homosexual acts are contrary to natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. No scientific evidence confirms homosexual activity as a normal behavior. The "gay gene" has never been found.
Sexual orientation does not constitute a quality comparable to race, ethnicity, gender or age in respect to nondiscrimination. Unlike these, homosexual orientation is an objective disorder and evokes moral concern. In suggesting otherwise, Jarvis exploits tolerance in the service of a particular ideology.

Paul Kokoski
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

Spiritually Schizophrenic

I cannot deny that I have laid my hands on individual's heads and they have been healed.
That I have spoken, through the Spirit, what God Himself would say.
That I have witnessed miracles.
That I have heard the voice of God.

But...

I cannot deny that I can feel pure and undefiled love for another man.
That more than anything, I want companionship.
That I can't make it through life alone.
That I am scared when I am alone at night.

That 'this' is a big, important part of me.  And that it is both real and good.

That if I could paint my dreams, they would like this:

How do I let one of them go?

We are the lucky ones, don't forget that.

[The above video tells the story of two closeted police officers in the 1950s, taken from the television show Cold Case.  In it, one says that they are cursed for being gay.  The other one takes exception to that and responds: "Cursed? We are the lucky ones."]

Cursed?  We are the lucky ones. 

Being gay and Mormon is a challenging experience.  Most days it seems unfair, many days it seems unbearable.  There are great pulls in different directions that seem to tear me apart.  There appears to be no reconciliation possible between the two extremes that are focal points of my life.

I want to love God, and be worthy.  I also want to love, and have worth.  I want to serve in the Church and go to the temple and provide meaningful service, but I also want someone to hold at night, someone to wake up to in the morning, someone who I love and who loves me deeply.  And now, and probably for the rest of my life, those to things will always be at odds.  Its really a zero-sum game: neither add to the other, whatever I give to one takes from the other.  I can't have both, but I can't live without either.

I realize though, that I am a 'lucky one'.  I will not walk through life filling the expectations society has for me.  I will not take the easy path, because there is none.  I will not walk through life free of doubt or unquestioning.  I will not escape sacrifice.  I will walk up the mountain just as Abraham did, and there I will sacrifice the most important thing in my life--be it the chance for love, or the faith that showed me who my God is.  I will know intimately the God who asks so much of me.

For those who stay and those who leave, it is the same.  We are lucky.  Lucky to walk the path less traveled.  Lucky to have the ability to choose our happiness.  There is no path of least resistance, and either choice we make brings difficult consequences and requires great sacrifice.

If we could choose it differently, I'm sure most of us would, but we are lucky because there is no escaping this.  There is a long fight and a lonely road ahead of all of us.  For those who leave, we sacrifice an important part of ourselves in the pursuit of love, a sacrifice that is sure to keep passion and gratitude alive within us.  For those of who stay, we have scars of remembrance to remind us of the requirements of faith and a witness of the depths of our devotion.

Indeed, we are the lucky ones.  Don't forget that.

I wonder...

If they found what they were looking for.

Goodbye.

I thought I was making some real progress on my blog. I've written three entries this month, which is quite the accomplishment for me. I'll have to admit while I haven't fully embraced the blogging world, I have enjoyed my time here.

Writing has been a somewhat therapeutic experience for me, and reading what others have to say has been equally so. There are so many views presented, I feel like I've come to a greater understanding of homosexuality and Mormonism.

Still, my own path ends here. At least for now. I need to rediscover what I want and need in life. I don't think I can any longer be both 'Mormon' and 'gay'. What, at the least, is a dueling contradiction often becomes an absolutely unbearable burden.

I honestly don't know what life holds for me. There are times that I am overpowered by the desire I have to become more like Jesus, and other times when I want to be with another man so badly. I think all of us are in that boat--in one way or another. But the push-and-pull have become too great for me to deal with right now. I've had similar thoughts before, but I've never been in a place quite like where I am now.

I honestly don't know or understand how people deal with this. I see people who have left the Church, people who have stayed, people who have one foot in and foot out, people who haven't figured it or seem to want to. Some seem happy, others miserable. But I've never met anyone that I want to be emulate. I guess we all have our own paths, and mine is certainly just as unique as yours.

I feel like my path has shifted from one that I wanted to share (online anonymously, with friends, and with 'someone special') to one that I need to bear alone. If I don't know what is best for me, or what will help me, or what will bring me the greatest happiness, how can I expect anyone else to?

Thank you for those who read and for those who write. The best of luck on your own personal journeys in the pursuit of happiness.

signing out...

Movies aren't supposed to end like this, I want a refund.

I've always been a true romantic at heart. I love chick flicks and love-songs--and for someone like me who is pretty inexperienced with love and such--I imagined my life would play out like one.

Now I'm a gay Mormon, so I wasn't expecting 'happily, ever after.' But history and literature are full of stories of unrequited love and lovers torn apart. I guess I was thinking something a little more along the lines of 'Romeo and Juliet'--with the love that sustained people through immense difficulties, but maybe without the double suicide.

If I learned one thing from the movies, its that things work themselves out in the end. Despite the hardship, or what you think is going on. Love has a greater design, working in the background to rescue the day and make all the sacrifice and hurt worth it. In Moulin Rouge, when Nicole Kidman tells Ewan McGregor that she doesn't love him, its because she doesn't want him to get killed. Even at the point when he tells her, "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love" we don't give up hope, because things will improve. He finds out the truth and they are able to share the feeling of love one last time.

That's how movies are supposed to end, but not like this:

With the good guy getting hurt bad. The guy with the big heart who gives, and gives, and gives getting completely screwed over. It's not supposed to end in lies, betrayal and absolute selfishness and uncaring. It's not supposed to end with someone being hurt so bad that nothing can make it right again. It's not supposed to end with the good guy's heart being broken and bruised for the whole story, only to be crushed once more in one final, awful scene. It's not supposed to end without hope, without reconciliation, without love.

Movies don't end like that. But why does life?

no hope. no love. no glory,
shadesofgay

Coming Out (Step 1)

You think it wouldn't be as hard as it is.

Step 1.  Come out to people who are already gay.

Step 2. Change "Interested in:" to Men.

Step 3. Stop caring what people think.

How does it feel?

"How does it feel?

When I hold you in my arms
And you're lying next to me
Never wanting you to leave
Until I'll tell you how it feels
To be cradled like my dreams
And to know that you love me
No more wasting time in asking other people

Nothing can replace this feeling
Knowing someone loves you"
- Westlife, How Does It Feel?

I plan on staying. That's the plan. I mean, if Justin Timberlake walked into my life (and didn't walk right past me to someone more attractive) things could always change. I sometimes think every Moho is just the right man away from leaving the Church, and maybe that's true for me as well.

From what I know now though and from what I've experienced at this point in my life, I really feel that I will be a much better, more selfless person staying in the Gospel. On my mission, I wanted nothing more than to be like the Savior, and though my priorities and choices have kind of been in upheaval since then, I still want to be a good, contributing person. And I feel like the Gospel (and the path it requires of me) helps me to be the absolute best person I can be.

What scares me though is that I really won't know what I am missing out on.

Don't get me wrong, I know how cute naked boys can be. I know the benefits of a dual-income, no kids household. I can imagine what sex feels like. The one thing I don't have any idea about is how it feels to know that someone really loves me. I know what it feels like to love, but no idea of how love reciprocated feels. I think I might be selfish--I mean, God loves each of us perfectly, why can't perfection make due?

For the past couple of years, I've had this fairly clear image in my head of how all of this would play out. I'd be the cool, rich single guy in the ward. I'd be at a wedding reception. They'd ask for a couples dance (which would only make the fact that I was alone more apparent and more awkward). The Bishop's wife would come up to me and ask me to dance, and so I would. And I'd be happy.

But at the same time, I'll be feeling fairly empty. While we make mindless talk about why I haven't found that "perfect girl" yet, I'll be wondering how does it feel? To know that someone loves me? To see myself in someone else's eyes? To be cradled like my dreams? To cause someone to smile when I get home from work or walk into the room?

I don't know if I'll feel sadness, or regret or loneliness. But I know that I'll feel that I am missing something, something that is important and worthy and good. Something that everyone deserves to feel at least once.

And when the song ends, I'll thank her for the dance and tell her I look forward to her invitation to hook me up with her single sister.