Saturday, November 28

But instead

I would love to wake up with our arms tangled together every morning. To feel his stubble graze across my cheek as he kissed me awake. To have the first hoarse words out of my mouth each morning be ‘I love you.’ To pause for just a few moments and stare into his eyes and admire his face in the daylight. To get up together. To come out of the shower and feel his arms wrap a towel around me and dry my hair. To stand next to him at the mirror as we both shave and get ready for the day. To listen to him gurgle his mouthwash. To breathe in the smell of his deodorant.

I would love to eat breakfast together. To watch him enjoy the meal I cooked for us--even if it was burned or undercooked. To frown at him sternly when he fed our dog from the table. To have him pour me orange juice while I read the Wall Street Journal before work. To wonder to myself how I ever got to be so lucky while he cleaned up the dishes.

I would love to be at work and look down from my computer monitor to see a picture of the two of us together. In front of the Pyramids or the Eiffel Tower or on the Great Wall. A goofy smile on my face and his arms around me. To get back to work but never stopping my daydreams about him. To have him call me to ask what we should have for dinner and what movie we should see. To look forward to holding him while I’m driving home at night.

I would love to look at him sitting at ‘our’ table through the restaurant window. To watch him smile as he looks up and sees me finally arrive; slowly standing to greet me with a gentle kiss. To not care what other people think, in fact, to notice no one but him. To have him already order, because he knows exactly what I’d like. To talk about our days, but then just to sit together, watching each other in silence as we press our feet together under the table.

I would love to hold hands as we walked back to the car. To breathe in the smell of his cologne. Smiling as he laughed at my jokes. To have him open my door and then gently close it behind me. To fight together over what radio station to listen to and then content myself that even though I don’t get to listen to what I want, I get to listen to him sing softly along to what he loves.

I would love to sit next to him at the movie theater. Shoulders and legs pressed together as we held hands tightly. Never completely getting into the movie because I can’t stop looking over at him to see him laughing or smiling and then looking back at me with an expression on his face as if to ask, “what?” To reach into the popcorn bag at the same time and bump hands. To taste his Chapstick on the straw of the drink we share.

I would love going home together. One hand on the wheel and one around him. To feel his head lay against my shoulder as he nodded off. To walk into our house, into the home we had built together. To walk upstairs into our bedroom and stand there together. A long hug turning into a slow dance, hands at each other’s waists.

I would love to feel his strong arms holding me, my head nestled into his chest so that I could hear his heart beating. To hear him whisper loving words into my ear and gently kiss my forehead. To feel our legs together as they intertwine. To watch his eyes close and his mouth softly open as he falls asleep. To feel safe and secure and warm. And in love.

I want that more than anything.

But instead of that, I hope one day I might be able to say as Benjamin Landart did on June 23, 1938: "The greatest decision I ever made in my life was to give up something I dearly loved to the God I loved even more. He has never forgotten me for it." (Thomas Monson, BYU Devotional, March 1997)


  1. Gut wrenching post. And, very beautiful. The quote: ouch. Broke my heart. But, I understand.

  2. What kind of loving father do you think Heavenly Father is? I am glad that I finally saw the God that LDS theology holds so dearly as the man made monster that He is. I am sorry that you feel that the loving God Jesus taught doesn't exist. No loving God would leave you or anyone feeling so empty, alone, and in misery. The God of LDS theology, taught at BYU by its priestcraft resembles nothing of the God Jesus taught.

  3. Wow! If I had taken you with me to spend a year in Vietnam you soooo wouldn't feel this way! Life is so much better than you seem to think it should be? But I always respect the blogger. Time is on your side.

  4. You are asked to do something by men who seem incapable of understanding what they are asking. They ask us to be alone as they enjoy the company of their wives and scores of children. They ask us to just follow "God's" commandments. Yet the commandment "God" gives them is to love. The commandment "God" gives them is to not go to a movie alone, to not wake up on Christmas alone, and it is not wake up every morning alone. There "God" commands them to have a family, to never be alone, and to fuck. To hell with their God.

    There is no worthy God that commands you to be in pain. There is no worthy God that has commandments that will literally limit your potential. Limiting you potential, wasting parts of your life, now there is a sin.

    I am not saying to stop believing or to lose your faith. I am saying to start believing, start believing in a God who wants the best for you, who wants you to be happy. A God how does not have the homophobic viewpoints of white America 50 years ago.

  5. you are better and smarter than most people mark. i am not in your situation and i don't know what's it is like for you, but God does bless us for our sacrifices. i am LDS and I worship a God that is love. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. A religion that asks nothing of its people cannot save them. I once gave up someone that I loved because I decided to put God first and I have been blessed, even if it took time. thank you for your bravery and honesty, and for being so strong. you have a much better understanding of life and God than many. May God bless you today with His love.

  6. Man, lump in throat. Being gay and LDS is truly a challenging life. I and many others have made similar sacrifices. Some I still second guess, but I am trying to live in a way that brings the most peace possible. One thing I can say from the experience thus far, I am far more compassionate and respectful of how others choose to use their agency than I have ever been. Here's to happiness in your journey!


  7. Well, not to burst your bubble your anything, but even married life ain't that great. I really would love the life you described. I thought I would find it with my wife. It's not even close. Would it better be or more "dreamlike" as you describe if I were with a man? I somehow doubt it. I guess what I am trying to say is that you have a pretty clear picture of an ideal life, and life is just not like that for anyone. Gay, straight, bi, there are always obstacles in the way of the fantasy. I guess you're extra frustrated at the fact that you don't even get a chance. And that, I totally get.

  8. Wow, I am in the process of choosing sides and reading your post along with all the negative comments has really made me think about is it worth it? Yes I believe it is worth it. God will reward us one day for being so faithful. I just hope I don't fall to many times along the way.

  9. And now the counterpoint (pardon the pun, which will become apparent in a moment).

    Benjamin Landart's sacrifice was to sell a violin--easily replaced--so that he would have enough money to serve a mission.

    The LDS Church's leadership currently relies on questionable interpretations of a handful of Biblical verses (like all other Christian churches) to urge gay Mormons to choose to live their entire lives in a way God Himself said was "not good" (alone) as the price of an eternal reward that the Church itself can't define, but which appears to consist of being changed into something that gay people who are happy with their orientation wouldn't want anyway.

    That's not apples and oranges, it's apples and elephants.

  10. Hey man, I support you. Its worth it. Mormons with SGA don't have a monopoly on loneliness, nor do are they under a requirement to be lonely. May God bless you and all of us, who struggle with this.

  11. Not to add to the pain, but Clark is wrong. Marriage may not be like that all of the time, but it really is pretty amazing once you find the person who is willing to put up with all of your garbage, and you theirs. I'm married to a gay guy and it can be downright awful at times, but I've experienced every last ounce of what you wrote about and more. I absolutely respect you for your choice- of course I'm thrilled about what you are doing! It has become intensely apparent to me that this life is really so short- and so many don't understand that. It is my job to do the very best with what I have been given. I honestly believe that we will be judged based on what we know, in the deepest depths of our souls. Nobody can tell us what is wrong or right for us. That's between God and me. Period.

  12. wow - well written - you want a lot - but you want what most people want - what I have felt at times I want- that perfect night, perfect relationship, perfect everything - and its too bad that its not available- but that last sentence makes it all worth just dreaming about and not making it happen- we give up 'so much' to Him that gave up even more for our happiness and ultimate return.

  13. I am gay. I am also LDS. I think this post is beautifully written, and it basically sums up the entirety of what I feel on the matter. Thanks for the beautiful picture.

    Despite the pain, hurt, and conflict, I have continued to find my greatest happiness as I strive to live by the covenants I made with God as a member of the church. Life is sure interesting, isn't it?

    PS: @Alan--the LDS church relies primarily on modern revelation for its current teachings on the matter. See the The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Rather than citing scripture, this document is signed by 15 men called to be the mouth of God on the earth.

    Again, thank you for the beauty of your words.

  14. Thats so touching !!
    im also gay, and i own a personal blog..

  15. This is great. Now, why in the sam hill are you not on the Moho Directory! I was linked here by a blog on there (hence I was reading it).