Wednesday, May 14

How does it feel?

"How does it feel?
When I hold you in my arms
And you're lying next to me
Never wanting you to leave
Until I'll tell you how it feels
To be cradled like my dreams
And to know that you love me
No more wasting time in asking other people

Nothing can replace this feeling
Knowing someone loves you"
- Westlife, How Does It Feel?

I plan on staying. That's the plan. I mean, if Justin Timberlake walked into my life (and didn't walk right past me to someone more attractive) things could always change. I sometimes think every Moho is just the right man away from leaving the Church, and maybe that's true for me as well.

From what I know now though and from what I've experienced at this point in my life, I really feel that I will be a much better, more selfless person staying in the Gospel. On my mission, I wanted nothing more than to be like the Savior, and though my priorities and choices have kind of been in upheaval since then, I still want to be a good, contributing person. And I feel like the Gospel (and the path it requires of me) helps me to be the absolute best person I can be.

What scares me though is that I really won't know what I am missing out on.

Don't get me wrong, I know how cute naked boys can be. I know the benefits of a dual-income, no kids household. I can imagine what sex feels like. The one thing I don't have any idea about is how it feels to know that someone really loves me. I know what it feels like to love, but no idea of how love reciprocated feels. I think I might be selfish--I mean, God loves each of us perfectly, why can't perfection make due?

For the past couple of years, I've had this fairly clear image in my head of how all of this would play out. I'd be the cool, rich single guy in the ward. I'd be at a wedding reception. They'd ask for a couples dance (which would only make the fact that I was alone more apparent and more awkward). The Bishop's wife would come up to me and ask me to dance, and so I would. And I'd be happy.

But at the same time, I'll be feeling fairly empty. While we make mindless talk about why I haven't found that "perfect girl" yet, I'll be wondering how does it feel? To know that someone loves me? To see myself in someone else's eyes? To be cradled like my dreams? To cause someone to smile when I get home from work or walk into the room?

I don't know if I'll feel sadness, or regret or loneliness. But I know that I'll feel that I am missing something, something that is important and worthy and good. Something that everyone deserves to feel at least once.

And when the song ends, I'll thank her for the dance and tell her I look forward to her invitation to hook me up with her single sister.


  1. That's exactly how I feel, too. To hold someone in my arms and know that he loves me just as much as I love him is something I've always wished for. It's something we've all wanted, isn't it?

  2. A guy away from leaving. Sadly I think this is so true. That's all it would take me, I'm shamed to admit.

  3. I think that what you wrote is sadly true and I've seem it happen over and over again. I think it comes down to the difference between what we belive and what we feel and how they can conflict.

    I think we believe something is real and we strive to stick to it but in moments of weaknesses we sometimes make rash decisions with devastating consequences.

    Hopefully we have a foundation deep enough that we will eventually come back when we realize our mistake. But its hard when deep inside your feelings are telling you its what you want.

    I understand. It so hard and it seems so unfair. Yet for me it really only seems that way when I dwell on what I'm being asked to sacrifice and not what I'm being given, you know the promises of eternity and exultations. But yes those seem far off when even the things I have to do to get to those things are things I struggle with wanting.

    However would I give up the gospel for Justin Timberlake? Probably not.