Saturday, November 15

i want to leave.

I always thought the Church was a place where people loved each other more than doctrine, a place where members would sooner hold me with open, compassionate arms than let me walk away... The last few days and weeks haven't shaken my testimony, but they have altered my opinion of the Church.  And for the first time in a long time, I seriously consider walking away.  I just wish I knew where I could go.

There's something more appealing about being surrounded by those who love and support you; by being able to follow your heart wherever it leads; to finding companionship and love.

If I leave, this is where I want to go:


  1. whatever you do, don't leave ME please...

  2. You are not alone in your brink of choice...and change.

    I, too, have been pushed to the edge, scrambling to cling to a church that refuses to hold me back.

    How can we hack this without leaving? I have no answer for this question.

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  4. I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I am in a one-sided romance with the Church and I am doing all the loving. It is a very lonely place to be.

    By the way, that was a beautiful clip and I hope everyone has that experience some day.

  5. I just found your blog tonight, and I must say, I am very impressed.

    I can only imagine how difficult a road you must walk. I have no idea what you face every day. I would normally try to give an uplifting word, but as I read from your previous post that included a letter from yourself, I think you already know all the answers.

    I also read your previous post about the sweetwater rescue. It was very touching. I wish I could carry you across. Oh how I wish I could. But, I don't know how. I don't know how.

    All I can say is this: I've had the thought lately that I wished there were more role models in the church who struggle with same gender attraction. I've already had high school acquaintances and former mission companions walk away from the church because of same gender attraction. I can not fault them for doing so, but oh how I wished they stayed. But perhaps they would have stayed if there was someone they could look up to.

    As I've read your blog, it's apparent: You know the Lord and his goodness.

    You could be that role model.

    You could be the person who makes the choice that nobody else will make.

    The church needs you, and the Lord needs you. You are doing something that very few in the church can or will do.

    I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever path you take in life. But I'm praying that it will be as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

    Thank you for sharing all of your beautiful thoughts and feelings here.

  6. Mark, my heart goes out to you. It is obvious from your blog what a fine man you are. There is room for you (us) in the church. You mentioned the Sweet Water rescue, and I realize that you (we) are pioneers in our day. If we can find a way to remain in the church in spite of our homosexuality, we will be pioneers to future generations. Their lot was not easy, neither is our, but in the end, hopefully we will also make it to the "place which God for us prepared."

  7. What Bravone said. It's damn difficult to be a pioneer but I hope you'll stick around and keep at it with the rest of us who are trying in our own small ways to make a difference.

  8. There are still people in the church who would embrace you, hold you tight and have you not walk away. Count me one of them. If I can do that in a better way, let me know.