Tuesday, January 27
I invited a lot of people to watch 'Prayers of Bobby' this weekend. I formed a group on Facebook and invited every Mormon person that I know. I sent a reminder email. I updated my status numerous times throughout the day, pleading with people to watch it--if not for themselves, than for me. I wanted to be clear how important it was to me for them to watch it. I didn't know what message would be presented or if it would be any good--I strongly felt though, that anyone who watched it would come through with a greater understanding of what I'm going through.
More than that, I needed a little evidence that the conclusions that I am drawing are not just vain hope. A little evidence that if I choose to live the celibate lonely life that it won't be entirely alone. That even if I don't have someone's arms to crawl into at night, I'll have an army of friends to support me and help me carry the load that is often too heavy to bear.
I'm finding, though, that sometimes hope is vain. Only three non-Mohos showed up. Two people sent me emails letting me know they watched it. That's five. More people came to my MTV VMA Party in June (a lot more!). One of my roommates sat through twenty minutes of it before he he came up with better plans for his evening. Another told me a couple days later that he wasn't interested in watching my "stupid movie."
I know this of a loving Father in Heaven: He wants his children to have love and support in their lives. If all Church members can give is lip-service, and nothing more, don't be surprised that so many gay people leave. If no one else will take one foot forward in the darkness with us can we really be expected to go it alone? If you 'know' the path so well why don't you take my hand--no, embrace in me in the shelter of your arms--and walk with me, encourage me, keep me warm, and when I fall and can walk no further, carry me?
Me asking this of you is no less than what you ask of me.
For the few who did watch it and try to understand what it means to be gay and Mormon, thank you. You have no idea what it means to me. Because of you, I don't feel entirely alone.