Saints and Sinners

"Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you, and the same is true for saints. Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart, and that anyone is capable of anything."

Coming out is a slow process. It took me 22 years to really understand myself. Once I finally did, and really began to understand what this life will likely hold for me, I realized the absolute necessity of seeking people who know and understand me, and are here to help me along my path. At different times in my life, I've felt that being gay and Mormon has caused me great loneliness. However, as I began to share my attractions with other people, I found them to be very warm and compassionate. So much of my feeling isolated was a product of my own mind. I chose to feel alone by not fully sharing myself with others.

However, as time has passed, most of the people who I've shared this part of my life with have turned away from me. One even told another trusted friend, "I've got to stay as far away from this as I can." Not very Christlike but, in some ways, very Mormon. I've struggled with how to reconcile the fact that someone can be a 'very good Mormon', and yet treat someone who is struggling and looking for compassion so cruelly. I've read the stories of gay member's who parents disown them when they 'come out' or leave the Church. How can good people do so such terrible things?

Does the Church really just create people who don't drink, swear or watch R-rated movies but at the same time have no real charity or concern for others?

Are all these people bad? I mean, they go to Church, read their scriptures, say their prayers, go to Institute and the temple. And all of these things more than me. And yet, their faith seems to stop there. They don't love their neighbor, they aren't a Good Samaritan.

And yesterday it hit me. I'm a lot like them. Inside of me is a great capacity to do good, I have strong desires to serve and help others. Within my same being, though, are strong desires of selfishness, lust, faithlessness and more. I, too, am someone who is not All Good. But does that make me All Bad? Most of the people in my life who know that I'm gay, think me a worse person because of it. How do they reconcile it within themselves that I can be evil, and yet bring forth good fruit? How can I reconcile that they, being 'good', bring forth evil fruit?

I end where I started: "Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you, and the same is true for saints. Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart, and that anyone is capable of anything."