Writing has been a somewhat therapeutic experience for me, and reading what others have to say has been equally so. There are so many views presented, I feel like I've come to a greater understanding of homosexuality and Mormonism.
Still, my own path ends here. At least for now. I need to rediscover what I want and need in life. I don't think I can any longer be both 'Mormon' and 'gay'. What, at the least, is a dueling contradiction often becomes an absolutely unbearable burden.
I honestly don't know what life holds for me. There are times that I am overpowered by the desire I have to become more like Jesus, and other times when I want to be with another man so badly. I think all of us are in that boat--in one way or another. But the push-and-pull have become too great for me to deal with right now. I've had similar thoughts before, but I've never been in a place quite like where I am now.
I honestly don't know or understand how people deal with this. I see people who have left the Church, people who have stayed, people who have one foot in and foot out, people who haven't figured it or seem to want to. Some seem happy, others miserable. But I've never met anyone that I want to be emulate. I guess we all have our own paths, and mine is certainly just as unique as yours.
I feel like my path has shifted from one that I wanted to share (online anonymously, with friends, and with 'someone special') to one that I need to bear alone. If I don't know what is best for me, or what will help me, or what will bring me the greatest happiness, how can I expect anyone else to?
Thank you for those who read and for those who write. The best of luck on your own personal journeys in the pursuit of happiness.