... If I wasn't sacrificing knowing what it would be like to feel love from another person ...
... If I wasn't giving up someone to be there for me, always ...
... If I wasn't giving up being able to open up a gift on Valentine's Day and spending my birthday with someone special ...
... If certainty was easier, because right now, it doesn't make sense that God would really ask me to give up so much good ...
... If I wasn't confronted with the embarrassment of always having to show up to Church activities and work parties by myself ...
... If just being 'single' was enough. It isn't. He wants me alone. Isolated from people in the Church who can't see past their own hate and prejudice. Isolated from the gay community which 'would surely lead me astray'. A solitary life with the support of too few friends, who ask far more of me than has ever been given in return ...
... If one day I wouldn't have to stand before God with the ultimate awkwardness as He looks with pity upon one of HIs children who died unloved and alone ...
Why can't this just be about giving up sex?
"... If just being 'single' was enough. It isn't. He wants me alone. Isolated from people in the Church who can't see past their own hate and prejudice. Isolated from the gay community which 'would surely lead me astray'. A solitary life with the support of too few friends, who ask far more of me than has ever been given in return ..."
ReplyDeleteThat's the hardest part of the whole deal for me. If it was just sex...whatever, I am sure I would survive, but really I feel like I am being told to bear this alone. And I don't know about you, but I am sensing a one-way relationship with the church on this part of my life, and I am being told to do all the loving.
Your post breaks my heart. I wish not just the church, but people in general could understand that it isn't just about the sex. I wish you didn't feel so alone in the church. I am married and yet often feel alone in that no one can really understand the hurt and loneliness that I feel inside, not having the male intimacy (non sexual) need in me fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could post something encouraging, but I'm not in a very good place right now myself.
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ReplyDeleteYou nailed it Mark. I want to make copies of this post and distribute to anyone, especially those in the Church, who think it's just about sex and perversion.
ReplyDeleteGrant, you're spot on too with the one-way relationship. And after a lifetime of furiously active Church membership, I find myself starting to wonder what all that loving is getting me.
Bravone, I get it. Totally. Hope that helps a little.
So well said. I've never heard it put like that, and so well. You're totally right. I'm going refer to this one many times, I'm sure. It's not even about sex, it's about everything else. Sex is just what happens whe two people love each other so much and sleep together. People would be incredibly offended if you said that married couples were in it just for the sex - that their care for each other and sacrificing for each other and attachment to one another was all just about the sex. Thank you for this post. :)
ReplyDeleteHmmm... I don't know, I don't feel the way you guys do. I'm not trying to stir up trouble... I've just been very fortunate, I guess, because I feel plenty loved. My friends reach out to me more than I do to them. Even the married ones. I'm extremely popular at all the activities, and I am constantly helping other people who want to understand homosexuality better.
ReplyDeleteCome hang out with me sometime! You'll see the hetero members can be very accepting, and loving. I wish all of us shared my experiences~
Mark, you're so right.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your blog, especially for this post.
It helps. I'm going through hell.
I'm not out. I just couldn't. And I wish everyday of my life that this was over. I have no one to talk, or maybe I just choose not to... so I can remain anonymous. I guess it's some sort of a never-ending cycle...
Thank you all for giving me strength...
And please excuse me, everyone, for such a potentially worthless comment.