After transfer meeting we went to the temple... I prayed and asked the Lord if my mission was acceptable. I didn't receive any great or strong impression which kind of worried me but I realized what I did feel--a sense of peace and satisfaction. That was my answer. I've done my best for these past two years and that is what I have to offer the Lord, nothing more and nothing less. (December 21st, 2005)
I struggled my entire mission to know whether the Lord accepted my efforts, if it was an 'acceptable offering' to Him. I can say without reservation that I worked and loved and obeyed the best I knew how. Still I didn't understand how the God who wouldn't accept a blemished calf could possibly accept what I had to offer. And yet, at the end, imperfect as it was, I feel like He had.
Today, I find myself in a very similar situation. The past few years have been a failed effort to succeed in the Church as a gay member. I've prayed and fasted and studied. I've tried to look beyond my own struggle to reach out and help others. I've tried to find the reasoning and rationale as to why God would ask this of me. I've tried to love Him and His children, the best I can.
I've tried to lose myself in the service of His children only to be left feeling more dejected and lonely. I've taken steps of faith into the darkness and found no light. I've climbed Mount Moriah to find that there is no ram in the thicket--not for me, not this time. Here I stand, giving Him the best that I can offer. Surely, someone better could offer something much greater. But this is me--and I've given Him the best that I can.
I know it might be difficult for some to believe that the Lord would accept such a sacrifice. But like the widow who gave her two mites and had nothing left to give -- I feel quite the same. Maybe I've failed, but I've given all I have to offer.
His children might, but I don't think that the Lord will fault me for giving up and walking away.