Sunday, August 2

Ticket for one, please.

"The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable." - Mother Teresa

I'm starting to come to terms with the idea that I will likely spend the greater portion of the remainder of my life alone.

Now for a member of a Church who's doctrine teaches that celibacy is the only viable option for someone 'dealing with same-gender attraction' maybe I should've come to this conclusion a lot sooner. I'm sure you'll excuse me though for wanting to delay the thought of spending the holidays, my birthday and every sunset and sunrise alone.

Loneliness isn't something one usually welcomes into one's life. Yet, in my inevitable journey into the future, its something that I can't delay any longer.

And so I've begun the process: a solitary walk on the beach at sunset ... a night at the theater ("Ticket for one, please.") ... going by myself to a romantic comedy... planning trips where I constantly change the default from 2 adults to 1 ... keeping the moments of greatest excitement and deepest pain to myself, not sharing with anyone what I most want to ...

At times, the thought of a solitary life can be overwhelming and the longing for love, unbearable. It is both humbling and embarrassing to sit in a theater by yourself, watching everyone else snuggle up next to someone they love. It is surprisingly painful to snap pictures of a couple on the beach and then try to hold your own camera far enough away to capture your own face and the setting sun in the same shot. It is difficult beyond words to suppress the hope of 'one day.' (The hope that 'one day, I'll find love' that 'one day, I'll wake up with his arms around me' that 'one day, I'll be with someone who makes me smile'.) To give up the dream of a wedding day; of a soft, perfect kiss; of companionship; of love.

And yet, it seems now more than ever, He is asking me to do this: “Love is proved by deeds; the more they cost us, the greater the proof of our love."

10 comments:

  1. Two things

    1. Interesting idea- one I may start doing.

    2. The ceramics department head at BYU is not LDS and was married for only a few months. She seems happy enough and fills her life with friends. Her will includes friends from adulthood and students she has taught. Church thought tends to think only in family and not in friends, but why not have friends when you're old too? Maybe it's harder, and they are rarer to find, but if they're there have fun with them.

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  2. No no no, you're supposed to changed the default from two adults to five, so a bunch of friends can go with you.

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  3. I came to the realization of loneliness a long time ago. Now stop working so much and we can go to chick flicks together. (Buy me some popcorn and you can hold my hand.)

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  4. I went and saw "500 Days of Summer" this sunday, and I felt so envious of all the couples. I cried. Why do I go to movies alone... it hurts a lot.

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  5. Mark, I follow your blog from the link on Affirmation.org. I must say, that as a closeted married gay mormon man, I am very happy for you and impressed with how mature you handle the situation you have been dealt.

    I travel for work quite a bit, and my wife and I have no children, so I'm used to dinners, movies, etc alone, cause I'm mostly home on the weekends. I am active, my spouse knows who I am, along with our Bishop.

    Here are some hints to help the pain:
    1 - you have friends, invite them
    2 - become involved in a volunteer activity (I do this through my work).
    3 - develop a love of reading
    4 - develop a hobby, like painting, drawing, cross stitch, etc.
    5 - when your blue - see number one!

    You are loved sir! God loves you! His Son loves you! You are a strong, strong man with great convictions. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting your journey in your blog.
    Jim in Texas

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  6. This makes me sad.

    I don't think you should ever deny yourself the opportunity to find love. Don't you think God would want you to be able to find true love? I don't think he would want you to be alone.

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  8. Hey Markers~

    I'm feelin' for ya, man! You talked about taking pictures of yourself on the beach and I thought of that today when I went on a little hike. I was near this amazing mountain lake and got a shot of me next to it. Not easy with short arms...but I thought of you and what you said. Not easy feeling alone. But I sometimes prefer it.

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  9. I have to agree with BamaBeau comment 2 and the other anonymous comment...

    I used to feel the same way as you, Mark. I thought only in terms of romance. "I'll never have anyone... I'll always be alone." Well, I'm learning that there are other options in life. You don't have to be alone. You can still fill your life with people. Cherish the friends you have.

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