So Much Things To Say

I've neglected my blog as of late, not because I've run out of things to say--but more out of the abundance of things that have been on my mind:

• I have no one else to tell this to, so I'm relegated to writing it on a blog: I fell in love with a boy. I said it to him, he said it to me. It felt perfect, and it got even better. And at the moment I was thanking God for him, the day I realized he was quite possibly one of the best things to ever happen to me, when things between us were starting to become better than I could have imagined he slammed on the brakes. With no warning, I went from going full-speed-ahead to flying through the front windshield because I had just begun to believe I didn't need to worry about a seat belt. The most painful words I think a person can ever hear (and I've heard the phrase twice now, from both the boys I've loved) are: "I'm sorry if you misunderstood my actions..." I can handle not having a future with you, but do you have to go and ruin the past, too?
• I finished Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. One of the profound things he wrote: "... it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just the power of always trying again." Such a beautiful thought, are failings aren't failure, we only fail when we stop trying.
• I got a job offer today for a better job. There isn't a single person on earth that I wanted to tell, feel free to leave a note of congratulations in the comment section, it'd be nice to celebrate with someone.
• Sometimes showing up to sacrament meeting with a smile on my face is the absolute best that I can do.
• Never have heaven's doors felt so closed and so empty as in the past couple months as I've tried to 'come back' and draw closer to God.
• When I talk about what I did over the weekend and I tell people I went to a movie (or whatever else) by myself they get uncomfortable. I think they feel sad for me. Up until the last year, loneliness was a completely foreign concept to me. I am sure it would break my parents' hearts if they had any idea how lonely I feel now.
• I'm on week four of my exercise routine--a six pack is starting to appear. A couple weeks ago, I buzzed my hair and for the first time in a couple weeks, I feel like its starting to look really good.
• When I was sixteen, I promised God that for the rest of my life I would pay a complete and honest tithing. I haven't wanted to pay it since Prop 8. Two weeks ago I gave the Bishop my tithing for the last nine months -- not because I want the blessings of paying tithing, but because I needed to show God I am trying to keep my promises to Him.