Friday, August 28

So Much Things To Say

I've neglected my blog as of late, not because I've run out of things to say--but more out of the abundance of things that have been on my mind:
  • I have no one else to tell this to, so I'm relegated to writing it on a blog: I fell in love with a boy. I said it to him, he said it to me. It felt perfect, and it got even better. And at the moment I was thanking God for him, the day I realized he was quite possibly one of the best things to ever happen to me, when things between us were starting to become better than I could have imagined he slammed on the brakes. With no warning, I went from going full-speed-ahead to flying through the front windshield because I had just begun to believe I didn't need to worry about a seat belt. The most painful words I think a person can ever hear (and I've heard the phrase twice now, from both the boys I've loved) are: "I'm sorry if you misunderstood my actions..." I can handle not having a future with you, but do you have to go and ruin the past, too?
  • I finished Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. One of the profound things he wrote: "... it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just the power of always trying again." Such a beautiful thought, are failings aren't failure, we only fail when we stop trying.
  • I got a job offer today for a better job. There isn't a single person on earth that I wanted to tell, feel free to leave a note of congratulations in the comment section, it'd be nice to celebrate with someone.
  • Sometimes showing up to sacrament meeting with a smile on my face is the absolute best that I can do.
  • Never have heaven's doors felt so closed and so empty as in the past couple months as I've tried to 'come back' and draw closer to God.
  • When I talk about what I did over the weekend and I tell people I went to a movie (or whatever else) by myself they get uncomfortable. I think they feel sad for me. Up until the last year, loneliness was a completely foreign concept to me. I am sure it would break my parents' hearts if they had any idea how lonely I feel now.
  • I'm on week four of my exercise routine--a six pack is starting to appear. A couple weeks ago, I buzzed my hair and for the first time in a couple weeks, I feel like its starting to look really good.
  • When I was sixteen, I promised God that for the rest of my life I would pay a complete and honest tithing. I haven't wanted to pay it since Prop 8. Two weeks ago I gave the Bishop my tithing for the last nine months -- not because I want the blessings of paying tithing, but because I needed to show God I am trying to keep my promises to Him.

15 comments:

  1. Congrats on the new job offer! Are you going to accept it?

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  2. What is the new job offer? That is so exciting....way to go, Mark. Sometimes all that you can remind yourself is that at least there is no where to go but up. (P.S. I secretly wish that I could go to movies by myself cuz often my husband makes fun of what I want to see and I don't like what he wants to see).

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  3. Hey congrtats on the job offer and the tithing payment, those are both huge!

    How about posting a shot of the buzz now that it's starting to look really good?

    While you're at it, how about a shot of your smiling face and the emergent abs? :)

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  4. Congrats on the new job offer! Its always nice to see new options and be validated for the work you do currently, always a good pick me up. Well Done!!

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  5. Having the brakes slammed on you can never be fun for either of you and so even though we haven't met in person, I want to extend an arm of comfort to you.
    As for the Job Offer, doesn't it feel great to know that you are wanted?

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  6. Mark,

    Congrats on the job offer!

    Please know that many of us profit greatly from what you write here. Thank you!

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  7. Congrats on the job offer! I hope you take it especially if it is a better job! =) Seems like you have had a crazy summer...hopefully things will mellow out for the best come this fall.

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  8. i did a little dance in my chair to celebrate your job offer. congratulations, whether you take it or not:) some may find it strange, but i actually like doing things by myself, even going to the movies. if, however, you ever need someone to go with, i would gladly and proudly accompany you:)

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  9. may your birthday be a great one, just like that time you brought us pizza. oh wait, which time?

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  10. Hey, what's the job offer? Do you get to make the pizzas now! :) Congrats on whatever it is. Oh, and by the way... HAPPY BIRTHDAY today! -JD

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  11. Feliz aniversário! Hope it's great!

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  12. Marco, ¡Feliz cumpleaños! I hope this next year is your best yet.

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  13. Happy Birthday!!!! I hope you have a lovely ay and feel loved by all!

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  14. Mark, for someone as friendly and funny as you, it would be a shame if you never shared that with anyone besides casual acquaintances. I think there will come a time when all the voices shouting at you to go in so many directions take a break from shouting, when all is quiet for a moment and you can really hear what God has to say to you, then you will find the answer you are looking for.

    In any case, happy birthday!

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