Sunday, October 31

God, make me good.

God, make me good.

I want to be valiant, one of the faithful. I want to devote my life to service. To be like Jesus, willing to give not just anything but everything. I want a life filled with sacrifice, and hope, and faith, and service, and joy, and charity. I want to keep every covenant and promise I've made with you. I want the spiritual gifts you promise throughout the scriptures. I want the blessings of the Gospel. Use me to bless and love and serve others. I want the capacity to love more, longer and deeply.

But not yet.

Not today, and probably not tomorrow either. I want to hold him in my arms, to feel him breathing and his heart beat. I want to see him smile. I want to be the reason for that smile. I want the life of my dreams--the house, the job, the car, him. I want to kiss his face and neck and chest. To run my fingers through his hair. I want to have a contented smile, not a painful one. One that takes no effort, knows no hardship and stays for long periods of times.

I want both things most. God, make me good. But not yet.


  1. I don't know what else to say except that you write beautifully, Mark, and that you have a beautiful soul. I once again wish you peace, and hope that it comes to you sooner rather than later. My good thoughts are with you!

  2. Pretty honest post. I've felt that way myself.

  3. So you really want to be "fixed" in the end, even after experiencing the joy of living authentically? That's too bad ...

  4. Anonymous... If only it was as uncomplicated as you make it seem.
    Bravone... I think all of us feel that way.
    Lost... Thank you for reaching out with your kind words.

  5. I'm not so convinced that it is impossible to have both...

    After all, what better way to learn to love more, longer, and deeply; what better way to have a life full of sacrifice, and hope, and faith, and service, and joy, and charity - than to be with a person you can love and practice all of these great qualities on and with.

    Sometimes I wonder if this isn't the exact lesson the Lord expects us to learn; but maybe that is just my wishful thinking =)

  6. Does kissing a guy’s chest break any covenants… because if not you may be set.

    But seriously, I hope you don’t believe that you can’t have a man and still be good. I agree with the comment above that maybe it’s not impossible to have most of the things you’ve listed here at the same time. Unfortunately, I think we ultimately have to choose whether we are going to sacrifice a little on the covenants side or on the intimacy side. Until we do choose we are destined to be pretty angsty and what not.

    I sincerely hope that you find a way to get most of your wish list all at once.

  7. I think Gay Saint is really on to something with his comment. And I don't think it necessarily requires a sacrifice of our covenants. On my mission, we actually made daily covenants instead of goals. That's right, we covenanted to make a certain number of contacts, discussions, and baptismal challenges. Obviously we weren't always able to keep those covenants. We were taught that sometimes it was due to our sins, sometimes it was something along the lines of D&C 124: 49, and sometimes God no longer required those things of us.

    The covenants I have made are between me and God. They are not between me and the church, the bishop, the stake president, or anyone else. Obviously I can't speak for other people when I say this, but I feel like has God told me that my covenants have been fulfilled, and he expects something different from me now.

  8. Mark,

    Another beautiful and inspiring post. As someone who didn't come to terms with his orientation until after marrying and having children, my situation is different.

    But, if one of my kids happens to be gay, I think that I'll teach them from the perspective of Gay Saint and El Genio.

    In any case, you've challenged us all to ponder a bit more deeply and I appreciate that. I wish we could require all members of the church to study some of your posts.