Saturday, November 20

“I never felt further away from who I really am, I’m ready to go out in the world and be who I’m supposed to be, but I am so conflicted because the church and everything in that world is telling me that who I am is wrong, just wrong. And I know I’m a good person, I know that I treat people with kindness and that I try to make the world a better place. How can who I am be wrong? And in that moment I just know that something has to change. I have to acknowledge it. I’ve never said it out loud, like ‘I’m gay.’ I go pretty far down underwater, not trying to hurt myself, or anything, but it’s the sense that I want to sink. And I look up and I can see the sun above the water, and it’s almost as if I feel something reach in and pull me up. And when I surface I am totally different. I’ve made a decision. And I look at the kids, and for once I don’t feel disdain or wish I could feel what they are feeling. I don’t wish that I could have real tears when I close my eyes to pray. I feel like this is the first day.” - Cheyenne Jackson, in Out Magazine.


  1. Mark - I posted the following comment on an old post of yours (Posted June 27), but given this most recent post, and especially the post before this one, I think it still applies. Therefore I will re post it this one time. I spent over an hour trying to thoughtfully and respectfully support you in your journey, and I didn’t want all my time to be lost to cyberspace in a long dead thread. So here it is...

  2. Mark,

    You are too strong to continue being so weak.

    I would say the same thing to you as the anonymous mom above, except I would probably mean the exact opposite as her. She says 'Don’t give up...don’t you dare give up' as her way of supporting you through your "God is Dead" episode.

    I would also say “Don’t give up on…don't you dare give up…on yourself”. She say “You are still here!” I would say that YOU are not yet here!”

    As one who was led to believe as a child that I should turn my life over to jesus, I accepted him into my life. I now see that in doing so I was being taught to give up on myself. YOU have trod the path when there was none, not any god. Give credit where credit is due.

    You so keenly saw the "lie in both". And you experienced the freedom in letting go of the lies.
    There is one more, bigger, lie you need to let go of. I can tell you from personal experience the joy one can experience from letting go of the lie of jesus is truly awesome. I became surrounded in love and acceptance, peace and serenity. I true awakening of unparalleled proportions.

    Don’t you dare give up on yourself, as you have been doing.

    Don’t let those cheering you on to keep your faith influence you. My experience is that they have a vested interest in you keeping your faith cuz they want the safety in numbers. They would likely abandon their faith if there was not community around them sharing it (which is why religions tend to exist in clusters).

    As someone who has lived both sides, I can tell you what it is like to let go of belief it in a way they cant. Why would anyone want to listen to one someone who has only side of the story? It is all that they have! You have been liberating yourself one step at a time, and it is inspiring to watch. You know the freedom of "coming out". Scary and uncertain to be sure, but worth mustering the strength to live the truth. You know the freedom of letting go of lies that were fed to you by well meaning members of society. You can also know the freedom, power and joy of letting go of lies that were fed to you by well meaning members of the church (although this is harder if you were fed these stories as a child when you can't really think for yourself, since they were hard-wired into your developing brain)

    Never give up. Never give up. Never give up on Mark. Decide for YOURSELF how many of the thousands of magical invisible creatures (gods) that have been created are really out there. Don't allow decisions you made as a child run your life as a man. Never give up on yourself and I think you too will get there. And then you will really see the light.

    Gods, like people, are born and then they die. Zeus was born of man and is now dead, Odin was born of man and is now dead, Jupiter was born of man and is now dead, Yahweh too was born of man and one day will be dead from the earth. Can I say with absolute certainty that no gods exist? No, but I cant help but think of all the poor souls who admirably dedicated their lives to Odin, Zeus, etc. What a waste. They all believed that their parents were right, and that the “crazy” gods in other parts of the world were figments of the imagination of all the other kids parents. Ego-centricity at its finest. All those kids are just as certain that you parents fed you figments of their imaginations. What if the American Indians were the select few who got it right and the “Spider Grandmother” is up there looking down at us with dismay. We can't say she is not real either, but it is easy to see how ridiculous a religion is when one is not converted into it as a child. Good luck my friend.

    Save yourself, Mark. You are the creator!